


A Drug That Changed My Life

by fuenciado, starboydjh



Category: Of Mice & Men (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-12
Updated: 2013-03-15
Packaged: 2018-01-06 03:38:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 30,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1101948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fuenciado/pseuds/fuenciado, https://archiveofourown.org/users/starboydjh/pseuds/starboydjh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alan’s world seems to be crashing down around him, one thing after another. What’s he expected to do when everything bad seems to be happening to him? Will Austin be a rock, or just another person to disappear from his life?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

I heard a sketchy sci-fi noise coming from my iPhone. Ugh, time to get up already? I reached my hand over to my dock, grabbing my phone off it. Fuck. School. Monday was always the worst day of the week. Joy, the start to another week at school, alone, being teased about being a 'soulless ginger' and other un-creative insults, certainly something to look forward to. In eighth grade, you'd assume people had matured a bit more, but nope, they had to prove you wrong. I've been dealing with the teasing for a few years now, ever since I came to this god damned school. I had found my way to deal, and honestly it wasn't that bad of a way. Right? I looked down at my legs, which were bare besides the loose-fitting boxers I slept in. I ran my hands over my legs, the fresh cuts, the old scars. No one cared enough to ask, and I wasn't about to tell, but I'd been cutting since sixth grade. It gave me control, relief from the emotional pain I felt, if even just for a while. Now, I just felt compelled to do it, to feel something besides the numbness that always seemed to haunt me. Even at home, the torture never stopped. It's just something I've learned to live with. 

I got up out of my bed, walking to my dresser to grab some clothes for the day. I grabbed a pair of boxers, a Pink Floyd shirt and a pair of black skinny jeans. If kids are gonna tease you about what you wear, at least wear something you love, am I right? I walked across the hall, into the bathroom. I turned on the shower, waiting for it to warm up. I stripped off my boxers then stepped in the shower, letting the warm water surround my body. I cringed at the hot water hitting my cuts, even though I felt that on a daily basis. I washed my hair and soaped myself down, then rinsed myself. I stepped out and grabbed the nearest towel, drying myself off. I slipped on my clothes then ran a comb through my longish hair. I walked into my room to find Sophie, my black cat, sleeping on my bed. I sat down beside her and pulled her on to my lap, petting her.

"Hi there Sophie," I smiled as she started purring. I had always had a thing for cats. My parents didn't understand why, they preferred dogs, but after a lot of begging I finally got a kitty to call my own. Well, actually, found is more like it. I was walking home from school one day, and she was sleeping in the corner of a building, soaking wet, and skinny as hell. I, of course being the cat person I am, felt obligated to help the poor kitty, so I took off my jacket and wrapped it around her, carrying her home and giving her a good meal. I kept her hidden from my parents for a few days, in my room, so that even if they wouldn't let me keep her she'd at least be healthier for whoever took her in. When my parents found out about Sophie... well, my mum felt guilty after what my dad did, and she convinced him to let me keep her.

"Alan! I've got to get going soon, are you catching a ride?" My mum asked me. Normally, I'd catch a ride with her then walk home, so that my father wouldn't know, but today I felt like walking both ways. Walking meant I could listen to my music in peace, and not face the tortures of school so early.

"Naw, I'll walk today!" I called back, and she said good bye. I looked out my window, to see what the weather was like. It was April, so it was always pretty warm. It was kind of dark though, like it was going to rain. Normally, I wouldn't bring my jacket with me, because I avoid wearing it as much as possible, but I decided it would be better than being soaked all day. I layed back down on my bed, spreading my arms above me, with Sophie on my lap still. "Sophie," she stood up and started walking up my chest. "Why are people so mean? I don't want to do this anymore..." I trailed off, thinking of how I never did anything to anyone at this school... I don't even remember how it all started. And to make it worse, we didn't even have a true middle-school, because the school board is cheap, so I can't even escape the people in my class. Sophie rubbed against my cheek, then laid down beside me, right above my shoulder. I grabbed my phone to check the time. "Well, baby, it's time for me to leave," I kissed Sophie's head. I walked over to her food and water dishes, making sure they were full, then headed out the door, starting on the journey to school. I put in both my ear buds, turning up my music, tuning out the world.

***

"Okay class, before we get started today, we're getting a new seating arrangement." There was a collective groan from the class, me included. Hopefully I wouldn't be beside someone too horrible, because we'd probably be stuck like this for the rest of the year. The teacher put an overhead of our new seating arrangement up, and I looked for my name. Alan Ashby, found it, beside... oh god. I'm beside Austin Carlile. I mean, I had nothing against the kid, he's quiet and doesn't torture me, but doesn't particularly like me, so what was I supposed to think? "Okay, you can now move to your new seats." I reached into my desk and pulled out my belongings. Joy, the rest of the year, six hours a day, five days a week, beside someone who hates me. It was bad enough we didn't have rotary like middle schools should, but seating arrangements just make avoiding people and keeping to yourself harder. I moved my stuff over to my new desk and took my seat, organizing my things inside. I noticed Austin was talking quite a while to move, and saw how disorganized he was. At least he couldn't get mad at me for being disorganized, because that's how my desk always ends up. Fortunately, I had cleaned it a few days ago, so I was all good for organization currently. Austin finally sat down beside me and started organizing his desk.

"Hey," I looked at him, trying to make things less painful for the two of us. He grumbled a hi back, and I just turned back towards the chalkboard, letting out a breath and going off into my own little world.

***

It was shortly after lunch, so everyone was happy to have had some time off class. We were just about to start math, my best subject. The teacher had told us to get out our textbooks, but Austin wasn't, he only had his notebook out. I tool out my textbook and flipped to the page we were on, then sat it down between Austin and I. He looked at me and I gave him a nervous smile. I had assumed he left his textbook at home or something, and my assumptions were proven correct when he mouthed thanks to me. He turned back to the front and looked down at his paper, copying down the work we were expected to do. He had really gorgeous eyes... I had always had a thing for brown eyes. I looked up at the board and got started on the work, not bothering to copy down the pages because I knew I'd get it all done in class.


	2. Chapter 2

"Hey Alan, how was school?" My mum asked when I walked in the door. I only caught the last part, because I still had my music loud from walking home, but it was the same question daily so I understood.

"Fine, we got a new seating arrangement though..." I trailed off and walked over to the fridge, opening it and staring in before closing it again and grabbing an apple off the counter. I walked to my room, nothing more said to my mum, and laid down on my bed, pulling my laptop on to my knees. I opened it and checked the usual, Twitter, Facebook, etc. to see nothing, as expected. I picked up my phone, unlocking it. I checked my calendar, seeing what time my dad was coming home. I always had it in there, so that I could be prepared... I stared at my phone, wondering why I even had it. It's not like I even texted anybody on it. Only reason I had it was my mum felt guilty for what my dad puts us through... which is honestly why I have a lot of things. Which my dad doesn't notice most the time, probably a good thing. I decided I felt like reading, so I walked over to my bookshelf, grazing through the titles for something that interests me. I let out a sigh, nothing interesting. I walked out of my room, to find my mum working at something at the kitchen table.

"Hey mum, do I have time to get a book from the library?" She knew what I meant by 'have time', because around here kids really didn't have curfews enforced or anything like that. She paused for a second, taking a look at the oven clock, then turning back to me with a smile.

"Yeah sure, just hurry back! You know how your father gets..." I nodded, swinging my bag over my shoulders and heading out the door. If things weren't done exactly how my father wanted... well I'll just say I've had a few bruises and broken bones to explain at school because of him. I knew if I told anyone, he'd kill me and my mother though... at least that's what he told us. And I couldn't risk that, knowing how my father was already...

***

I walked over to the fantasy section of the library, unsure of what it was exactly I was looking for. I browsed the shelves, not paying attention to where I was walking, and bumped into someone. I looked up and saw Austin, the same one from my class, standing above me. We made eye contact and I blushed, quickly turning away in hopes he wouldn't notice.

"Sorry man..." I mumbled, walking away, not sure where to because I hadn't gotten a book yet. I decided I'd just go home and read something I already had, even though none of them were really that interesting, because I'd read them a thousand times over.

"Hey man," I heard a voice call from behind me. I assumed it wasn't directed towards me, so just ignored it. "Alan." I froze, then turned around to face Austin. He was holding a book in his hands, a bookmark sticking out about halfway through. I looked at the title of the book he was reading and smiled.

"Good book," He let out a grin.

"Yeah, read it a few times before." We just kind of stood there awkwardly, before I walked over to the bookshelf.

"Any recommendations?" Austin walked up behind me, and reached around me, pulling out a book and handing it to me. I smiled at him, then walked over and plopped myself on one of the beanbag chairs. I looked up at him, and he waved, heading out of the library. I flipped the book over to read the back, then thought, may as well. I cracked it open, reading through two chapters before I realized what I had done. I stopped to stretch, then froze when I caught a glimpse of the clock. I quickly stood up, grabbing my bag and carrying my book over to the librarian, who checked it out for me. I thanked her, then bolted out the door. My dad would be home any minute now, and he expected me home.


	3. Chapter 3

I burst in the door, out of breath. My mum looked up at me, breathing a sigh of relief.

"Your dad isn't home yet, you're lucky. Now come in here and set the table with me please?" I walked into the kitchen, grabbing the utensils and setting them beside each of the plates.

***

I could hear my parents yelling downstairs, yelling about me... I rolled over in my bed, reaching for my phone and headphones, to block it all out. Better to block it out, since I'd likely have to hear about it later anyways... I put in my earbuds, turning up my music and opening up my book, absent-mindedly tapping my toe along with the music. After getting through a few more chapters, I decided I didn't want to read anymore, and hoped that my parents were done fighting. I turned down my music, taking out one earbud.

“ALAN! GET DOWN HERE!” I heard my father yell. Crap. I was going to get it for something that happened during the day. I reluctantly took out my other headphone and walked as slowly down the stairs as I possibly could. When I finally made it to the kitchen, Mom was nowhere to be found. “You went out this afternoon.” He snarled.

“No I didn’t...” I lied. I was met with a swift slap in the face.

“DON’T LIE TO ME YOU LITTLE SHIT! I SAW YOU WALKING SOMEWHERE! Where were you this afternoon?!”

“The library!” I finally squeaked after a few more slaps.

“DON’T EVER LIE TO ME AGAIN, YOU HEAR?!” I nodded, curling myself into a little ball to shield myself from his kicks. Nine, ten, eleven, twelve, and it ended on lucky thirteen. Once I was sure his assault was done, I ran as quickly as I could back upstairs and headed straight for my bedroom. I tore through the sheets on my bed looking for that little old friend, who was stained with years worth of blood at this point, but it didn’t matter.

Finally, I found it, breathing a sigh of relief in the process. I shed my jeans and sat down on the floor, tears forming in my eyes. I dragged the silver blade across my skin, watching it bleed out crimson. Such a soothing color now that I’d gotten used to it. A few more passes, and then the endorphins kicked in. I just lay there, watching my thighs bleed, letting myself ride the high of the sight of my own blood. Everything, every problem, every bad time from the day just washing away with a few little scrapes. It was an exhilarating feeling, knowing that I could control myself that way.

***

I woke up where I had passed out the night before, in a pool of my own blood. Sophie was sitting right next to it, staring at me, her head tipped to the side a bit as if to ask “What’s wrong?”

“Fuck off, Sophie, I’m not in the mood.” I said, heaving myself off the floor and mopping up the pool of crimson on the floor with the towel I always used. I wrapped the blade up in the towel and shoved them both all the way at the foot of my bed underneath a mass of blankets and sheets and dirty clothes. I walked into the bathroom and washed my hands and bandaged my legs the way I’d taught myself back in 6th grade. I looked at myself in the mirror... but I didn’t see a normal 8th grader. I saw a failure. 

***

I barely paid attention during school that day. Nothing mattered it seemed. I wasn’t the son my father or mother wanted, I was a disappointment. Through my haze I felt someone tap my thigh. Of course, right over one of my cuts. I flinched a bit, then looked at Austin. He glanced at me, a question in his brown eyes. I just shrugged a little and looked back at my blank notebook page. 

***

The bell rang for lunch, and everyone quickly pushed their papers into their desks, those few people who were organized taking their time. I took my time, but for other reasons. I had no reason to rush, lunch was not something I looked forward to, sitting alone and watching everyone around me eat and chat with their friends. After I had out all my stuff away, I got up, stifling a groan, and made my way over to my backpack, pulling out my lunch bag. I went back and sat down, opening my lunch bag but not eating much of the food. Austin came over to grab something from his desk, and he met my eye. He gave me a soft smile, and I gave him a sad one back.

“Hey. You okay?”

I faked a smile weakly. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just had a...rough night, I guess.” Austin just nods, not caring too much, and goes to sit with his friends again, laughing and joking with them as all the rest of the ‘normal’ kids do. I wonder what that must feel like, to actually have friends. Besides Sophie, I had no one. I wasn’t really anyone that the ‘normal’ kids wanted to be around. I didn’t hold any weight in the grade, or in the world.

I zoned out through my last few classes and prayed that the bell would ring sooner. The day passed by quicker than I expected, and soon enough the bell did ring. I got up, shoving my earbuds in my ears the moment the bell rang, and gathered my things. I turned up my music, blocking the surrounding chaos out, and cleaned up my things. I felt a presence looming around, so I looked up to see Austin, sitting on his desk tapping away at his phone. He glanced at me, noticing he had caught my attention, and gave me another smile. How come this kid suddenly doesn’t hate me, or at least pretends not to? I shrugged it off, of course faking a smile back to be polite, then quickly walked over to my bag, in a rush to get home so I could retreat to my room and hopefully get a little peace, at least for an hour or two. I heard someone behind me yell something at me, so I just turned my music louder and continue walking.

“Hey faggot, don’t walk away from me,” I hear as my earbuds are ripped from my ears. Ronnie grabs my shirt, yanking it to force me to look up at him. “You understand?” I shrug, not really scared of Ronnie. We’re on school property, and he can’t do any worse than I deal with at home, and anyways, I deserve it.  
“Hey Ronnie,” Austin walks up behind him, and my eyes widen. Shit, is he going to help Ronnie?

“What?” Ronnie turns his face towards Austin, Ronnie still gripping my shirt, and Austin smiles.

“Come on, leave Alan alone, I tortured him enough today,” I raise my eyebrows. Ronnie wasn’t in my class, so he didn’t know whether Austin was telling the truth, and I knew Austin wasn’t, he didn’t do anything to me, in fact, he pretended to care, so why would he lie? Ronnie releases his grip on my shirt, and I let out a breath, relieved I didn’t have to deal with him, and explain more bruises to my father, which would just result in even more bruises.  
Once Ronnie and his crew of idiots were gone, Austin smiled at me again sadly. "Sorry. I know we're not really friends but..."

"Thanks." I said, a bit confused but still very grateful for what he did.

"Anytime." What a strange kid. Then again, I had a lot of room to talk on the strange kid front, right?

But as I was walking home, Ronnie found me again. "Well, well, well... if it isn't our soulless little fag friend. How's it going?"

I didn't respond in an attempt to get them to leave me alone but it didn't work. Two of his friends grabbed onto me and stole my backpack. "Going somewhere?" He asked with a wicked smile. I rolled my eyes at them, walking towards the one that was holding my backpack. I grabbed it from him, and he raised his eyebrows at me. I begin to walk away from them, clutching my backpack to my chest, when I’m pushed to the ground, the breath knocked out of me. “I asked you a question, faggot.”

“Well no shit,” I replied, immediately regretting it. I got up, looking at the neanderthals in front of me. “So I’m leaving now,” They laughed in my face, one grabbing my shirt again.

“You’ll leave when we say you can leave.” He said, delivering a punch to the side of my face. My hand automatically went up to cup my cheek, softly rubbing where he hit me. “Awww, is the devil child hurt?” He taunted, punching me again. “You gonna go home and cut yourself over it, faggot?” Yes. And get even more punches for having bruises that aren’t his. But they didn’t need to know that.

“Get the fuck away from me.” I growled, anger rising in me.

“Make me.” Then I launched myself at him, dropping my backpack somewhere along the way. I shoved him to the ground and climbed on top of him, delivering punch after punch, hit after hit, until he was screaming “MERCY, MERCY, GET THIS FREAK OFF OF ME!” He had a bloody nose and a split lip, which filled me with pride that I could do that to someone else. Someone eventually did yank me off of Ronnie (not without kicking and protests I might add) and when I turned around, Austin was standing behind me. He put a hand on my shoulder.

“That’s enough...” He turns his attention to Ronnie. “Same to you.” He turns back to me, looking me up and down, examining the damage I assume. “You alright?”

“Pissed off but generally fine.” I said, glaring at the group of idiots running away from us. “I’d better get home, don’t want to be late.” I said, checking my phone and then sprinting down the block as fast as I possibly could.

When I got home, my dad’s car was parked in the driveway. Crap, I was late.


	4. Chapter 4

I was laying on my side the next day, trying not to move my bandaged legs too much because they were hurting really bad, hands clamped over my ears, trying to block out the sounds of the abuse happening downstairs. Please let it stop soon, please, please please... Sophie pulled me out of my thoughts and curled up next to my stomach. It was nice to have someone else there to suffer with me. “Sophie, I swear you’re the only person that really cares about me sometimes.” She stretched in response and purred when I scratched behind her ears. The little black kitten walked towards the white bandages starting to seep through with red and sniffed them a bit, then looked at me questioningly again. “Don’t ask.” I muttered, covering my head with my pillow. I looked around, searching for my phone, reaching out for it once I spotted it. I scrolled through my minimal contacts looking for Austin’s number. He’d given me a note earlier today that had said “If you ever need to talk, I’m here.” and had his cell number on it. I didn’t know why, but I’d gotten butterflies in my stomach when he handed it to me. No one had ever actually cared enough to do something like that... even though it was just a simple gesture. It was late, but I still sent him a message.

 _Hey, you up? Tonight was....rough._  
It took him a few minutes, but he responded.  
 _What happened?_  
My thumbs hovered over the phone, debating if I should tell him about what my dad did.  
 _Just hurting from the day, I guess._  
I took in a breath, looking for my earbuds to calm myself, so I could maybe get a little sleep tonight, while I waited for Austin’s response.  
 _Anything you want to talk about? Or that I can do?_  
I smiled to myself, at least Austin was making an effort.  
 _Naw, but uhm..._ I hesitated before continuing. _can I ask you something?_  
 _Yeah, sure, of course._  
 _Why do you care?_  
I held my breath, waiting for Austin’s response.  
 _Because I can tell just by looking at you you’re hurting._  
But why does that matter to you? Never seemed to matter before...  
I don’t like seeing people in pain. I know what that’s like.  
Probably not as well as I know. But I didn’t say as much to him.  
 _How?_  
I only said it out of curiosity, and I didn’t actually expect Austin to tell me.  
 _Doesn’t matter now..._  
Yes it does. You’re helping me, the least I can do is help you.  
It’s over now, but it isn’t for you. Do you need to talk? :)  
That was a good question. Did I? I knew I wanted to tell someone about all this that was happening, but if I did, I’d be beaten senseless until they couldn’t recognize my face.  
 _No thanks, but I guess it’s nice to know someone besides my cat actually cares..._  
I checked the time to see if it was a reasonable time to sleep.  
 _Hey, I’m going to sleep... good night :)_  
I wouldn’t actually be getting to sleep for a while now, much less staying asleep, but he probably didn’t want to know.  
 _Alright man, good night & sweet dreams ;)  
_ I smiled at the “sweet dreams” part, even though I knew that wouldn’t be happening, then put my phone back on it’s dock, unplugging my earbuds from it. Sophie jumped up and laid on my pillow right next my head where she normally slept. I kissed her little nose and said “Night, baby.”

 

***

“Get your ass out of bed faggot!” My blankets are yanked off of me, and I’m pulled out of bed to the floor. I let out a groan, glancing at the clock then looking up at my father. He was holding a beer bottle, as usual, and had a really angry look on his face. He kicks me in the stomach, and I let out a little whimper, curling up around my stomach.

“... what did I do?” I squeak, looking back up.

“You know exactly what you did!” No. I didn’t. But apparently I always deserved this treatment. “Stand up,” He doesn’t give me time to stand, jerking me up by my arm and forcing my face to his, his hand now around my neck. “You disgust me,” he sneered. He downed the rest of his drink, and turned his attention back to me. “You’re a disgrace to this family,” I may be a disgrace, but I’m not the biggest disgrace. He pushed me backwards, releasing his grip on my neck, and I stumbled onto my bed. He approached me, looking down at me. “You should have never been born,” Oh, I wish I hadn’t. He throws a sloppy punch down at me, hitting my legs, where I had fresh cuts. I cringed, my hand going down to where he hit. I try not to make my face show any pain, but fail. “Oh no, did I hurt the little fag?” He laughs in my face. He leered down at me, then began ranting to me, about everything wrong in his life (which was mostly me and my mother) while waving the beer bottle around. “Faggot!” I was drawn back to reality by my father yelling at me. “This’ll show you for ignoring me,” he glared at me. Oh god, what was he going to do this time? He slammed his beer bottle against my bedpost, the bottle shattering around it. He held the jagged edge in front of my face. “See this fag? This is what I do to you when you don’t listen.” He takes the bottle, pressing it against my arm, digging thesharp edge into my arm. He dragged it down, making a cut about six inches long. It bled lurid red, something you’d see in a horror movie. This time I didn’t hold in the yelp of pain. I begged for him to stop, but he just snorted and laughed, spitting on it. “That’ll show you,” he said, smiling at his ‘work.’ He turned around and left my room, and I stared down at my arm, tears spilling down my cheeks. I took in a shaky breath, willing myself up so I could fix my arm up and try and get back to sleep.

***

After the previous night’s... antics, I needed to find a hoodie to cover my arms, to cover the evidence that was left there. Of course, I didn’t have any hoodies. Just my shitty, awful, terrible luck. I figured one was just buried under wads of clothes or blood-stained towels, but my treasure hunt yielded no precious gold. Finally, I broke and texted Austin.

Hey, um, can I ask a favor?  
Depends what it is...  
Do you have a hoodie I can borrow? the bigger the better.  
What for?  
No reason, all of mine are in the wash.  
Oooo-kay, I’ll just pretend I’m not reading into that cryptic message..... any band logo preference? Mine are all band hoodies.  
No, just a hoodie.  
Sounds like a plan. See you in an hour.

Thank God he didn’t ask any other questions. Then I realized that I was late for school and ran towards the door, scooping up my backpack on the way. I jogged the rest of the way towards the school, thanking god I could at least handle that much physical activity. I knew if I was late, the school would call home, and my dad would not be happy about that.

“Yo! Hey, fag! Don’t run away from me!” Ronnie called. Fuck. I ran even faster, aching for the ‘protection’ the teachers at school offered. Literally. My thighs were killing me, and so was my arm, and if he saw the mark on my arm I’d get it even harder. I glanced behind me, looking at Ronnie, and smashed into a body in front of me.

“Shit, I’m so -” I look up at the person I ran into, and see Austin’s concerned face looking down on me. “Sorry.” I finished my sentence, his eyes drawing mine in. I quickly glance away, not wanting him to have even more reason to call me a fag.

“You okay?” He asked, handing me an Amity Affliction hoodie. I took it gratefully.

“U-uh yeah, I’m f-fine,” I stuttered, yanking the hoodie on as fast as I could so he wouldn’t see my arm.

“You definitely aren’t fine.” He said flatly. His eyes were sad, like he knew what I was going through. “Hang out with me this morning, we can talk?”

I nodded. Was I actually making a friend? Probably not. “Sure?” I said, the phrase sounding more like a question than I intended.


	5. Chapter 5

“Hey, Alan. How was your day?” My mom asked, wiping her eyes and trying to put on a brave face for me.

“This happened.” I said, tears pricking my eyes again when I pulled up Austin’s hoodie sleeve and showed her the cut, which my dad had inflicted on me the night before. “It looks a lot worse now than it did before.” I said, referencing the sickly purple color it was turning around the edges.

“Oh, honey... what happened?” She asked. She walked towards me, gently taking my arm and looking at it.

My dad opened the door, walking in, and my mum automatically jumped away, and I quickly pulled down my sleeve. The hell fire was in his eyes. “What are you doing?” He snarled at me.

“N-nothing...” I stuttered. I dropped my bag and backed towards the stairs.

“Stay.” He demanded. I looked up at him, fear in my eyes. “You showed her, didn’t you?”

“N-” before I could even get the word out, he smacked me. Hard.

“I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU NOT TO FUCKING LIE TO ME!” He screamed. Then he took a fistful of my red hair in his hand so I had to look at him. “WERE YOU OR WERE YOU NOT SHOWING HER THE SCAR?!”

“YES, I WAS!” I screamed back, a silent tear running down my face.

He smiled wickedly. “Aww, how sad. The fag is crying.” He said, then slammed me against the wall.  
“Don’t you dare talk to our son like that.” My mom said through her tears. His eyes widened and he turned slowly to face her.

“What did you just say to me?” I could see the fear in my mum’s eyes, she knew she had set him off now, this time on her. I felt my phone vibrate in my back pocket, but ignored it, watching my parents and pleading that my father wouldn’t hurt my mum.

It kept vibrating, meaning that I was getting a call instead of just a text. It was getting heated, he was really going at her, and I just shrunk against the wall and covered my ears, my head against my knees, trying to block it out when the screaming started. I bashed my head against the wall, not caring when the back of my head felt wet with blood. I just needed to get the sounds of my mother’s screams out of my head. My dad turned around to face me.

“Scram fag!” I scurried up the stairs to my room, curling up in my bed, the tears immediately pouring down my face. I pulled my phone out of my pocket to see who called me. The name on the phone suprised me: it was Austin. He’d left a message too and I listened to the message.

“Hey man, Austin here, um, I just wanted to remind you to bring me my hoodie... uh so... yeah. We should hang out sometime too, if...” Austin’s voice is muffled, him replying to someone at his house. “if you want. So yeah, uh... bye?”

I decided to text Austin back, knowing my voice would be a dead giveaway that something was up.  
Hey, I’ll bring your hoodie tomorrow... I realized that I’d have nothing to cover my arm, and decided I’d go on a more thorough hunt after texting Austin back. and uh sure, when?

I got up from my bed, wiping the tears from my face, and started to hunt through my clothes, cleaning up my room a bit in the process.  
Whenever works for you, I’m not a busy person.  
Okay so tomorrow after school? Is that okay?  
Yeah sure! My place or yours?  
I hesitate before replying. I forgot, making friends would involve them coming over to my house... seeing my mess of a house, my mess of a family, my mess of a life.  
Uh, yours, if it’s alright with you I guess?  
That’s more than alright :D see you then.  
Now, to convince my parents... I know I’ll be getting something from my dad, no doubt about that, but at least I can avoid it for a while at Austin’s...

I decide to wait a while before asking, letting the situation downstairs calm itself, and trying to ignore the cries coming up the stairs. They seemed to radiate through the whole house. At least they ignored me when this kind of stuff was happening around the house.

***

For once I actually fell asleep right after I climbed into bed. When I woke up, the cut my dad had left was bleeding, my sheets stained. Great. Once again, my shitty luck prevailed. My phone vibrated a couple times, meaning I had a text, probably from Austin. I’d answer it after I got out of the shower. When I went into the bathroom, I realized I was in for a rough day. There was a huge bruise where my dad had smacked me for lying to him the night before. It was bad. How was I going to spin this one? Guess I'd just lie my way through it... not like anyone cared enough to question it.  
You still coming over tonight? :D  
"Shit," I mumbled to myself. I had forgotten to ask either parent. I rushed downstairs, hoping my mum didn't leave early today, and fortunately my luck wasn't that shitty, because she was still home. "Hey mum?" My mother turned to face me, raising her eyebrows. "Can I go over to Austin's house tonight?"

"Yeah, sure..." My mum gave me a smile, and I thanked her with a hug before running back up to my room, to get ready for the day ahead.

***

"Hey mum, this is Alan!" Austin says, climbing into the backseat of his mother's vehicle.

"Hi Alan," Austin's mum gave me a warm smile. Wow, an adult actually being nice to me for once. This was a new one.

“Hi Ms Carlile,” I smiled back at her. I climb in beside Austin, taking a seat and putting my bag on my lap.

That night was totally different than my house. We actually sat down and had a real family dinner together, Austin’s parents were nice to me. It was a complete 180 from my sorry excuse for a family and a home. After dinner we went back up to Austin’s room and jammed on his instruments, played video games and watched movies. He was very obviously flirting with me, which I found endearing and adorable.

Then we heard his mom yell from downstairs “Boys, you better be keeping it PG up there! No inappropriate activities under my roof!” Austin’s face turned a violent shade of red.

“MOM OH MY GOD! PLEASE!” He said, burying his face in his hands and rolling off his bed from the embarrassment. “ALAN IS STRAIGHT! CALM YOURSELF!” My eyes widen, hearing Austin say that. The way he says it... he doesn’t mention his own sexuality. He turns to me and notices me. “Sorry about that, she’s a bit.... overbearing at times.” I laugh at him, trying to hide how awkward I felt at that moment. Would telling him I’m gay ruin things? Austin seemed like a pretty easygoing kid.... who was also really adorable when he was embarrassed.

“Austin...” I hesitated, deciding if I really wanted to tell him. “I’m actually not straight.” I muttered. He looked really excited for a second, then got all serious again. God, he really was adorable.

“Really?” He said, totally trying to hide the smile playing at the edges of his lips. “I bet you’ve guessed by now I’m not either.” My eyes widen. He’s gay?

“Uhhh... no? I mean... you aren’t?” Austin laughs at my surprise.

“No, and that’s why my mum assumes everyone I bring over is gay too.”

“You’re... you’re out?” I wondered what it’d be like, to have a family who actually accepted you... my dad would just have even more reason to beat me if I came out... since he hates ‘fags’.

“Just at home. Not at school, no way.” I smile and nod, knowing exactly how he feels. After all, I’m bullied for being gay, and they don’t even know I am!

“Oh that’s... great,” I say with an awkward smile, unsure of how to continue. He just kept acting normally.

“Wanna watch a movie?” He asked. I nodded, and he got up, walking towards his rack of movies. He bit his lip and smiled in excitement. “What would you like to watch?” I shrugged, I probably wouldn’t know a majority of his movies anyways.

“Up to you, I don’t care?” He laughs, running his fingers over the titles on the shelf.

“Have you ever seen...” He pulls out a movie I don’t recognise, holding the cover up to show me. “Edward Scissorhands?” I shake my head, and his smile grows. “Well then, that’s what we’re watching!” He walks over to his DVD player, popping the movie in. He walks over to the bed where I’m sat, and plops down beside me, lazily spreading himself out.

While we were watching the movie, he put an arm around my shoulders. Not by doing the awkward yawn and stretch thing, just gently putting his arm around me. It was nice. I leaned my head against his shoulder and nuzzled against him a little. “Get over here.” He said with a giggle and pulled me into his lap. I gladly climbed onto his bony legs and got comfortable.

Of course, about a half hour later he had to put a hand on my leg on accident. I jerked away a bit and yelped a tiny bit from pain.

“You okay?” He asked, a little confused.

“Yeah, fine, just...Sophie, my cat, scratched me last night.” I rushed, trying to make him not suspect anything. His eyes got sad.

“You sure?” He asked.

I nodded frantically. “Yeah, she’s just a kitten, she does it a lot.”

“Okay.” He said, holding me closer and watching the rest of the movie. He had a look of disbelief on his face, but he wasn't asking any questions which I was thankful for.

***

We end up hanging out like this on a regular basis, two or three times a week, each time me coming home to my father... angry, beating me, but honestly, I didn’t care. I wasn’t sure why, but being with Austin made it worth it. Austin never questioned why I never invited him over, but occasionally he would question a bruise or two, quickly giving up when I wouldn’t let anything spill. I always made up an excuse, like I fell skateboarding or I ran into a door or something equally as believable and not horrifying. Summer was fast approaching, school days no longer so long and boring with Austin by my side. Thankfully, our teacher didn’t bother with another seating arrangement, and we often ended up getting yelled at by her, for passing notes or whispering.

“Hey, faggots!” I hear a voice call from behind me. Austin and I were walking down the hallway, going to walk to his place since his mum couldn’t give us a ride tonight.

“Fuck off Ronnie,” Austin calls over his shoulder, flipping him the finger. We continue walking, out the doors of the school and onto the pavement.

“Oh, so you’re a fag too now, huh Austin?” Ronnie follows us, annoyed with Austin’s earlier response.

“What’s it to you if I am?” Austin asked him, not even bothering to look him in the eye.

“So you ARE a fag?” Ronnie approaches us, both of us holding our ground.

“You got a problem with that?” He asked him, leering down at him.

“Austin, cool it.” I muttered, pulling his t-shirt to get him to step off.

“Aww, how cute, your little boyfriend is standing up for you.” Ronnie said, punching me in the face. My arms go up to cover my face, in hopes I could block anything else Ronnie decides to throw at me. Tears are already welling up in my eyes, but I refuse to let them spill over.

Suddenly the assault stops. I look up and Austin has Ronnie pinned on the ground, wailing on him. It was terrifying. “YOU LITTLE ANNOYING PRICK!” He yelled. I’d never seen him that angry before. I literally had to pull him off the idiot, who was out cold at this point. Ronnie’s crew approached us, looking angrily between the two of us. I’ve still got a grip on Austin’s arms, so I let them go.

“That was a mistake, you stupid fag.” One of the guys looks at Austin, and shoves him to the ground.

“Can’t come up with a better insult than fag, huh?” One of the guys kicks Austin, knocking the breath out of him, and causing a bit of a whimper to come out of his lips.

“Hey, step off!” I yell to no avail. Their anger is turned on him, and if I know anything, they’re merciless. I try to attack one, having no such luck, quickly being thrown to the ground and forgotten.  
“Hey, assholes!” I hear an unfamiliar voice call. I look up to see a mexican-looking kid throw a punch at one of the guys. Two more just kind of appeared and launched themselves at them, scaring them off. The shortest of them offers his hand to me, and the one with funny hair offered his hand to Austin. One of them with a jedi braid like from Star Wars continues to attack until the one who offered his hand to me said “Tony! I think they’ve learned their lesson. We’re done here.” His head immediately snapped up and he shoved the kid he was hitting to the ground, then made a ‘come at me, bro’ motion to him.

“Thank you so much...” I quickly thank the guys, as a kid closer to my age walks up to them.

“Uhm...” the kid asks. “What happened here?”

“Nothing important.” The one with the funny hair shrugs it off. “Oh, and I’m Jaime,” He points to himself. “This is Vic, Vic’s brother Mike, and Tony.” He points to the short one, then the one who just walked up, then the one with the jedi braid.

“Well, thanks so much...” Austin says, giving them a big smile. “We should probably head home now, but maybe I’ll -” Austin looks at me, with a smile “we’ll see you around?”

“Yeah, sure. And no problem, we know just about everyone in this neighborhood, and those guys are idiots.” We both smile at that, then wave at them, turning around to head towards Austin’s house. I look at Austin, examining the damage, and my hand goes up to his face, brushing his hair out of his eyes.

“Well... that will be fun to explain to your mum.”

“We’ll just tell her what happened.” He said nonchalantly, shrugging. I could never do that with my father, not that he’d even listen anyways...

***

“Then these mexican-looking kids, and this kid who didn’t look mexican, came and beat them up and it was awesome, they were like, mexican ninjas or something!” Austin rambled to his mom that night over the dinner table. She laughed a bit.

“Mexican ninjas? Honey, you could be a bit nicer about it.”

“No, Mrs. Carlile, you don’t understand, they literally just appeared out of nowhere, it was INSANE.” I said, shoveling another bite of food into my mouth after I finished my sentence, because hey, who knows how long it would be until my legal guardian ‘remembered’ to feed me?

“So, you guys excited about school ending next week?” His dad asked, glancing at us over the tops of his horn rimmed glasses.

We both nodded enthusiastically. “Why won’t you tell me where we’re going on vacation this year?” Austin asked his parents, kind of whining a bit.

“You really want to know?” His dad asks. We nod.

“You guys aren’t ready for this,” Austin’s mum laughs, looking at her husband. ‘You guys?’  
What significance do I have in where they go?

“Austin, did you remember to invite him?” His mom asks, questioning my face I was making.

“You... what? YOU ARE LETTING ME BRING HIM?” Austin’s smile spreads across his face. “THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!” He shouted, jumping up and hugging his mother and father tightly. They just smiled and glanced knowingly at each other.

“Wait a minute, what just happened?” I asked. I can’t help it if I was a slow idiot.

“What happened was you’re going on vacation with us this year!” Austin said and hugged me too.  
That night, I was the happiest I’d ever been. I still had to find some way to tell my parents about the vacation, which I probably wouldn’t, but whatever. It was worth a shot right?


	6. Chapter 6

Eventually, Austin finally asked me out on our first official date. He was really cute and awkward about it too, but of course I said yes. On a balmy Friday afternoon during the summer we walked to the bookstore downtown and poked through the shelves for a good hour. Every title looked interesting, but I had no money so I couldn’t buy any. Austin would repeatedly ask me what book I was looking at. I knew by the look on his face he was up to something but no matter.

After the bookstore, he started walking somewhere, me following close behind. “Where exactly are we going?” I questioned.

“It’s a surprise!” He said with a grin. I raised my eyebrows at him, and he just laughed, sticking his tongue out at me and holding out his hand, I immediately took it, grinning to myself. It felt nice to have someone who actually cared for a change. I had given in when my mum insisted on knowing why I was so smiley earlier, telling her I had a date. She automatically asked if it was ‘that Austin kid’ and I couldn’t help the look on my face, making it a dead giveaway. “What are you thinking about?” Austin looks at me, a soft smile on his face.

“Nothing, sorry, just drifted off in thought. No big deal,” I smiled at him, then looked around at our surroundings. “The park? Why?”

“I... I really don’t know, I thought it was cute?” He squeaks nervously, shrinking down in himself. “We... we can leave if you want?” I laugh at him, because honestly, he is adorable when he’s nervous.

“No, it’s cute you thought to do this,” I smile, pulling him closer and wrapping my arm around his waist. “What did yo -” A large smile spread across my face the moment I saw the swings, seeing two alongside each other with nobody on them. I let go of Austin’s waist and took off running towards the swings, leaving Austin standing confused for a few seconds until he ran after me, jumping on the swing beside me. “Highest swinger decides what we do next!” We’re immediately competing for that decision, swinging higher and higher. I hadn’t been on a swing in ages, but they were one of my favourite things as a child.

“I’m winning!” Austin calls out, throwing one fist in the air, clutching the swing’s chain in the other.  
“Are not, it is totally me.”

I ended up letting Austin decide what we'd do, even though it was clearly me who won our little competition.

"Where are we off to then?" Austin didn't reply, only dragging me behind him to god-knows-where.

I stare at him, a curious look on my face.

"What are we doing here?"

"Swimming of course!" I just stare at him.

"Uhm... without swim trunks?"

"Yeah sure, no one comes here?” I look around, noticing there’s no one else nearby. The place doesn’t look like many people even know where it is, and honestly, I didn’t before Austin dragged me here. Then again, I didn’t know where a lot of places were, so you can’t base anything off of my knowledge. I looked back to Austin and he had already pulled off his shirt.

“You do this often?” I question, judging based off his eagerness. I start to slip out of my shirt, Austin slipping off his shoes by this time. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. What if he saw my cuts? What if he thought I was a freak after... him answering my question brought me out of my thoughts.

“Yeah, I come out here a lot... just to think I guess.” He said once he wrestled himself out of his skinny jeans. I watched him dive in, the arc of his lanky frame sending shivers down my spine.  
“Get in, Ashby!” He said with a laugh. I smiled weakly and hesitated before pulling down my pants, careful to hide my cuts from Austin’s view. I quickly jumped in, and when I came up after jumping (more like flopping) in, he was laughing at me. “You looked like a dying walrus when you jumped.”  
I flipped my hair off my face and smiled.

“Don’t rub it in, Mr. Perfect!” I laughed and splashed some water in his face. He swam over to me, splashing me back. He quickly swam away, me following close behind him, then jumping on him once I found a rock that gave me a little more height. He glared at me, then quickly retaliated, dunking my head underwater.

“Come on, follow me!” Austin called out, already swimming off to the side and getting out. I follow him, getting out of the water, without noticing my boxers had ridden up my legs, revealing a few of my cuts. Austin glanced down then back up at me, holding out his hand. He pulled me over and started counting, still holding my hand.

“What are you counting for?” He stops, looking at me, and smiles.

“Jumping of course!” He looks back and continues his count, pulling me in when he gets to ‘zero’.  
We surface again, bubbles surrounding us, and he laughs. I smile, then he looks at me again, more serious than he normally would. “Alan?”

I hesitate before replying. “Yes?” He grabs my hand, swimming towards the side again. He gets out, sitting on a rock, and offers me a hand. I take it, and sit down next to him, quickly adjusting my boxers before Austin can see anything. He takes my arm, holding it over his leg, and runs his hand down beside the cut my father did to me.

“Did you do this to yourself?” He looks at me as he says it, his eyes sad.

“Uh...” I let out a sigh. “No? That was an accident...” I think back to my dad doing it, and how I had to ask Austin for a sweater. He looks down to my legs, pushing my boxers up to reveal some of my cuts. He runs his fingers beside those too.

“And I suppose these were an accident too?” I stay silent, holding my breath in hopes to give nothing away. He takes his hand off my leg, pushing my shoulder to make me look at him. I managed to keep my face void of emotion, but I knew my eyes would show everything, the panic, the fear, everything, so I avoided eye contact. “It’s alright Alan...” Austin’s voice was soft. He pulled me close to him, wrapping his arms around me, and I could feel the warmth radiating off his chest. Tears were pricking at my eyes, nobody had ever bothered to ask... nobody ever cared.

“No...” I replied to Austin’s earlier question, my voice barely audible. “but... my arm wasn’t me... I mean... it was but it wasn’t...” It was my fault, as was everything that my father did to me, but I didn’t inflict it on myself.

“What do you mean Alan?” Austin ran a hand through my hair, pulling at a tangle. I refused to meet his eyes.

“Nothing,” I shrug it off, standing up to jump in the water, hoping to avoid anymore questions. Luckily, Austin didn’t push it, letting it go.

***

“So,” Austin’s mum looked at the two of us, a warm smile on her face. “Is Alan staying the night?” Austin looked at me, and I shrugged.

“If it’s alright?” Austin asked, and his mum’s smile just grew brighter.

“He’s basically a part of the family now Austin, in case you haven’t noticed, we’re happy to have him! He’s always welcome here,” That brought a smile to my face, Austin’s as well. “Well that’s settled then, would you two like some supper then?”

***

Austin puts in a movie then curls up beside me, pushing play on the remote.

“Sooo... didja have fun today?” He questions, and I look to his face and smile.

“Yeah, thanks...” He leans towards me, and kisses my forehead. I laugh a little, a smile remaining on my face as we watched the movie.

“NO YOU IDIOT. ARE YOU STUPID?!” Austin yells at the heroine of the movie, startling me out of the sleep that had taken over.

“Whaaa?” I ask, even though this was a regular thing for Austin to do. He seemed to like to yell at actors a lot. Including while I was sleeping. Austin went on to explain everything that the heroine was doing wrong, me just nodding and trying to make sense of what was happening in the movie. I forced myself to stay awake for the rest of the movie, listening to Austin’s commentary the whole time, occasionally laughing at comments he’d make. “Bedtime?” I asked once the movie finished. Austin nodded, a smile on his face, and got up, letting me get comfortable and pulling the blankets over me, before whispering in my ear he was grabbing some water and leaving the room. I closed my eyes and quickly drifted off to sleep, but not before feeling Austin climb in bed beside me and wrap his arm around my waist.

***

“Good morning!” Austin said, waking me from my slumber. He smiled at me, looking down on me, and I turned on my side, glancing at the clock.

“Oh shit, I should probably get home!” I pushed Austin away, sitting up in a panic. My parents didn’t know I was staying over, and I was in for it from my dad when I got home. My mum probably made some excuse for me, thank god, but that wouldn’t stop the inevitable beating from my dad. I grabbed my phone, trying to unlock it, and saw it was dead. “Come on,” I groaned, sliding out of bed and looking for my shirt. Austin smiled, getting up and pulling on some fresh clothes.

“You want a shirt?” I shrugged, and Austin tossed me a clean shirt anyways. With Austin’s lanky legs, it was no use trying to fit into his pants. “HEY MUM!”

“YEAH?” Austin’s mum calls back.

“CAN YOU DRIVE ALAN HOME? WE SHOULD GET SOME DUNKS TOO.”

“SURE. WE CAN LEAVE WHENEVER.” Austin smiles at me, dressed and holding my phone now.  
“Well, we may as well go?” Austin walked out of his room, me following close behind him. We walked downstairs, Austin’s mum waiting for us. She heads out to the vehicle, us following then taking a seat in the backseat. We stop by Dunkin’ Donuts, Austin suggesting my order for me, then headed towards my house. As we were approaching, I could tell something was up, with the amount of police cars parading around. Austin offered me his hand, sensing my unease. When we got back to my house, it was a terrifying scene. There were police cars everywhere, an ambulance, and I didn’t know what was going on.

“Um, excuse me, officer?” I asked. “What’s going on?” Austin was still holding my hand. He didn’t give us a weird look, just answered my question indirectly.

“Do you live here with your parents son?” I nodded. “Well it seems your mother’s been murdered. I’m sorry. Your father is nowhere to be found, he’s our number one suspect at the moment...”  
I tuned it out at that point. NO. This wasn’t happening. I would walk into that house and she would be waiting for me and my family would be fine and I wouldn’t be having this nightmare. I started to fall to my knees but Austin caught me. I turned around and latched onto him, tears filling my eyes. He just patted my hair rocked us back and forth gently as I sobbed. He didn’t say anything, didn’t try and tell me that it would be okay, he just held me. “You’re staying at my house tonight.” He said, his voice thick with tears.

***

That night, we were camped in Austin’s room, laying in his bed, me cuddled against him. I couldn’t move. I felt dead on the inside. How could this happen to me? The one person who cared for me for all these years was gone by my tormentor’s hand.

“Please tell me this is a really vivid nightmare....” I begged him quietly.

“Sorry.” He said. Sophie meowed quietly and lapped up the tears on my face. I’d managed to rescue her from my house before I went to Austin’s, and his parents were fine with having the little kitten there. Austin picked her up and held her a bit. She sniffed this new person holding her, making Austin smile a little.

“I’m having a bad day, Sophie, okay?” I said. She meowed at me and sniffed Austin again, then climbed back onto me. We watched her explore her new surroundings a bit. Austin pulled me into his lap and hummed to me a bit.

“You okay?”

“Not really.”

He leaned his forehead against my temple and hugged me. “Well you can stay as long as you like. We’re fine with having you.”

“Hate to burst your bubble, but my grandparents have legal custody of me in a month. At least we’ll get to go on vacation together.” I said, feeling the lump starting in my throat again. My thighs were itching for the cold comfort the blade offered me (which was stored in my backpack safely along with bandages and tape) but I didn’t have the motivation for it tonight.

He held me closer when I folded in on myself and sobbed again. He rubbed my back, his fingers running over the bruises on my back a few times, but I was too broken to care. Once I was out of tears, I thanked him for being there again.

“It’s the least I could do.” He said. His eyes were wet with tears too.


	7. Chapter 7

“C’mon! Please tell us where we’re going?” Austin begged his mom the morning we were going to leave for vacation.

“You really want to know, boys?” She said with a smug smile. We nodded, but our begging didn’t yield anything. “We’ll tell you in a bit.” She said with a laugh when we both collapsed back on the couch in perfect sync.

“What time’s the flight?” Austin asked.

“In about an hour, so we should leave soon.” She said. “Get your stuff, we’re going to Disney!”   
“WHAT OH MY GOD WAIT WHAT?!” Austin screamed when his mom hugged him. She was laughing, so was Austin, and I realized they have the same smile.

“Well someone’s excited!” His dad laughed.

“OF COURSE I AM IT’S DISNEY HOW COULD I NOT BE EXCITED!” Austin said, still yelling, and hugging me too.

***

“Hey, Austin, wake up.” I said, poking his side a couple times when we finally landed. He’d been asleep on my shoulder for a majority of the plane ride, but I didn’t mind. He was cute when he was asleep. “We’re in Florida.” I said when he finally opened his eyes.

“D’I sleep the whole time?” He asked, stretching a little and playfully hitting me in the face.  
“Mostly yeah,” I said with a big goofy smile. “You’re really cute when you’re asleep.”

“Yeah, well you’re really cute all the time, so it evens out.” We heard a couple whispers of ‘such a shame’ and ‘fags’ from behind us but we didn’t care. Once we got into the park later that night, Austin turned into a five year old. It was adorable. He barely even heard it when his mom yelled to remember that the park closes at 10 through her own laughter. “Remember, not too many rides!” His dad also yelled, but neither of us were listening.

“C’mon, let’s go!” Austin yelled at me every now and then. I could tell that some of my cuts had split as we were running through the park, my thighs were burning, but I didn’t care. He gave me piggy back rides, so that made it worth it. We'd visited just about every character, gone in every shop and store and gone on every ride Austin could handle by 10, and we'd gotten into the park at 7. It was funny actually, how excited Austin was to be there. He and I got a few weird looks and even a few names thrown in our direction, but those sassy-ass princesses stood up for us whenever they could.

“I have to say, our attire is quite fitting of Disney World.” I said to Austin when he was carrying me out of the park at around 9:45.

“Yeah, it’s funny seeing you walking around in your all black and your TOMS amongst the seven year olds in princess costumes.” He said with a giggle and that stupid little smile that I could never say no to.  
“Says the 6 foot kid wearing a Slipknot tank!” I countered through my own giggles.

“Um, 5 foot 11 inches thanks very much!” He said after he pecked me. The little kiss got me to thinking: were we together? I honestly wouldn’t mind if we were, I’d actually prefer it over being single. But then he’d start to ask questions about my life, more than he’d already asked.

Most of the week continued similarly, us going off on our own and finding things we could do together around the parks. One day, when he was freaking out because he'd found yet another Belle, she asked him "Is he your Prince Charming?" and pointed at me. He tightened the arm around my waist and smiled at me like an idiot.

"I guess you could say that." She laughed.

“Well, we’d be lucky to have a pair of handsome princes like you in our kingdom.” Snow White, who was standing next to Belle said.

“No you wouldn’t!” Some crusty old man on an obesity scooter behind us yelled. “They’re walking sinners! They deserve to burn in hell!”

“Excuse me, sir.” Snow White said. “These two boys aren’t hurting anyone, now are they? If you don’t like it, well, you can look the other way.” She bopped the old guy on the head. “Run along, now, don’t want to miss your shift at the gold mines, Mr. Dwarf!” Austin, scooter-dwarf and I were all standing open mouthed staring at her. Then the man got all indignant and puttered away at half a foot an hour, muttering something about ‘those dirty gays polluting our world.’ The surprisingly sassy princess smiled at me and Austin, posed for pictures and then sent us on our merry way.

Austin heaved me onto his back again and walked us through the park once we were done meeting the princesses. “Let’s take our picture in front of the castle!” Austin said with a giggle.

“Fiiiine...” I fake groaned when he put me down. He looked at me, something different in his face.... then, just as the photographer was about to take our picture, he pulled me into a dip and smashed his lips on mine. I was a bit surprised at first, but then I relaxed and eased myself into it. One of my hands cupped the back of his neck and I felt him smile against my lips.

“Wow.” was all I said when he pulled me back up. He smiled and yanked me away from the castle and onto a bench.

“Hey so...” Austin stares at me, worry in his eyes, then suddenly he gets up, a smile spreading across his face. “HEY I JUST MET YOU,” I roll my eyes at him, what in the hell was he doing? He was even dancing, crappily if I may mention. “AND THIS IS CRAZY, BUT WE’RE AT DISNEY,” I snort, mumbling a ‘no shit’ while he paused. “SO DATE ME MAYBE?” My mouth drops open.

“What?”

“I know you’ve had a lot going on...” Austin sits beside me, still grinning like a fool. “and well... yeah...” I had generally managed to block out ‘home-life’ for the duration of the trip, but Austin brought it back to the front of my mind, and I couldn’t help a frown forming on my face. “But... I really like you and just... maybe, if it -” I stop Austin mid-way through his sentence, placing my hand over his mouth.

“If you’re really serious,” He nods, my hand moving with the movement of his head. “Then I’d love to.” I take my hand off his mouth, and his smile is bigger than I’d ever seen it. He bites his lip, making what has to be the most adorable face in the world, and I grin, and we just sit there for a few moments, looking at each other.

“Well? Are you gonna kiss him or not?!” A girl, who looked to be about eight, called from across the path. Austin and I both laughed, then Austin gave me a quick peck on the lips, sparing the eyes of the homophobes around us. The little girl then ran up to us and hugged us. “You two are really cute. I want to be as cute as you two! Bye!” The little girl ran off back to her family, who just smiled at us apologetically. We smiled to let them know it was alright, then got up, Austin gripping my hand in his, and started wandering aimlessly around the park. We found another ride we wanted to ride, so we joined the line, waiting what Austin considered to be a ‘ridiculous amount of time’ to get on the ride. Once we got off, Austin checked the time, complaining of hunger. We were supposed to meet Austin’s parents at some restaurant in the park around suppertime, so we went on a search for the restaurant Austin’s parents had texted us the name of. We came to the restaurant and saw them waiting outside the doors.

“There you two are!” His mom said, “We were starting to think that you’d gotten lost in the park.” I could tell that his parents knew something was up by the way they were watching us when we sat down to eat.

“So, how was your day?” His dad asked knowingly.

“Perfect.” Austin said, dreamily, slumping in his chair a little.

“And why was that?” Austin giggled a little, looking up at both his parents. They each give him a smile, then he looks at me.

“We’re at Disney,”

“Aaaand?”

“And we’re having fun,”

“Aaaaaaaaaand?”

“And my boyfriend is amazing!” I say happily.

“See, I told you it would be today!!” Austin’s mum says to her husband.

“You’ve been saying ‘it’ll be today’ for months.” He replies.

“But, this time I was right!”

“Wait, what?” I question, and Austin’s parents laugh.

“Who asked who?” Austin’s dad asked Austin.

“I asked him,”

“I KNEW IT.” His dad exclaimed. “I got you! Pay up.” Now both me and Austin were confused, and his parents laughed at our confused looks.

“How’d you do it? How’d Alan react? Was it special?” The onslaught of questions began from Austin’s mum, as if she was a teenage girl talking to her best friend about boys.

“MOM! Again with the embarrassment!”

“Well, don’t be shy, tell us!!”

“He sang the lyrics to Call Me Maybe and it was so awkward and hilarious. I only said yes because he can’t dance and the embarrassment he must have suffered doing that in public!” I said with a laugh. Austin got a sad look to his face. “Aww, I’m only joking!” I leaned in to kiss his nose. “Plus you were really funny, so you can’t blame me for making fun of you.”

“Oh, and there was this like... eight year old who insisted we kiss, and called us cute, and she was adorable and... yeah.”

“Hey, so wait, how do you ask someone out with ‘Call Me Maybe’?” Austin’s father asks.

“Yes, how ever do you, my dear Austin?” I nudge him, trying to hold in a laugh and get him to repeat himself.

“Welllll........”

“Ten bucks if you do it with the dance and all!” Austin’s mum puts in.

“No freaking way!”

“Twenty.” His dad counters, crossing his arms and attempting to look all serious.

“Thirty and it’s a deal.”

“‘S’long as you spend it on your boyfriend?” His mum winks

“Okay, was planning on that anyways!” Austin winks back, then stands up, awkwardly dancing to his version of Call Me Maybe again. Both his parents clap while laughing once Austin sits down, blushing at the attention he’s drawn from the nearby tables.

“Hey, don’t look at us like that! Not every day you get to see your son sing his own special version of ‘Call Me Maybe’ to his boyfriend in the middle of a restaurant!” His mom says with a laugh.

“I hate all of you right now... you not as much but you two! Oooh, you two better watch your backs!” Austin said, pointing at me and then at his parents through a ton of adorable giggles.

***

That night at the hotel, Austin and I were nestled under the covers of our bed in our room, watching some corny Disney movie, laughing at all the jokes you’re too immature to get at the young age people assume Disney is aimed at, sharing popcorn, and acting as lamely coupley as two people can act while watching a movie.

“Hey Alan?”

“Hey Austin?”

“You know what I want?”

“I don’t know what you want, but I have a feeling you’re going to tell me?”

“That is right! And what I want is...” He jumps up out of bed, grinning as he walks towards his parents. “HEY MUM! DAD! CAN I HAVE MY THIRTY DOLLARS NOW? WE WANT SOME SNACK FOOD!”

“We? More like you, fatty!” I had followed Austin, and I poked his belly after saying ‘fatty’. He frowned.  
“Ouch, now I’m not going to share my thirty dollars worth of Disney candy with you!” His mum appears, holding thirty dollars for Austin. Austin grabs his key card, dragging me along with him, and we run down the hallways, barefooted, on the search for the elevators and the candy. We managed to find our way to the front desk, where Austin all of demanded candy.

“There’s a vending machine on each floor boys,” Austin takes off running, me quickly thanking the man working the front desk then running after him. We take the elevator back up to our floor, Austin pattering his way down the hallways in search of a vending machine.

“Found it!” I hear Austin call out, me having given up running after him and just fast-walking. I let out a sigh of relief, my feet beginning to hurt from the carpeted hallways. I watch Austin buy several, okay like, ten, packages of candy from the vending machine, some chocolate, some hard candies, and other things. “Guess what I got?”

“What?”

“Poprocks!”

“Poprocks? Huh? I’ve never had poprocks.”

"Oh, you've never had Poprocks?!" He yells once we get back into our room. I take one of the packets from him and examine it.

"Yeah, pretty much. My parents didn't really love me enough to buy me candy so I've pretty much only had chocolate.” I laugh then continue, “What exactly are they?” Austin tears open a packet, and motions for me to hold out my hand. He dumps half the packet in my hand, and I poke at the weird powdery ‘rocks’ with one finger. He dumps the other half in his hand, then smiles at me.

"I know that face. That's your sneaky face." I said with a smirk. He dumps the Poprocks in his mouth, and I follow his lead, then while I’m distracted by the odd feeling of something popping in my mouth, Austin pushes me down onto the bed, straddling me and kissing me deeply. The combination of the sickly sweet candy and his mouth on mine was amazing. I pushed him off me, grinning, because I really needed to swallow this crap. Once I’ve swallowed, him too, he pulls me back in to kiss me again, and I grin against his lips. He gently dips his head down and his lips find my neck, pecking and sucking the skin there. I let out a moan, trying to stay as quiet as possible because of Austin’s parents, and Austin giggles, smiling up at me once he’s finished. His hand reaches out behind him, and he pulls a bag of Swedish Berries between us, struggling to open it and spilling half the bag over the two of us. I shove his shoulder, and he spills the rest of the bag over himself, and I burst out laughing, Austin picking up a handful of berries and throwing them at me. I manage to catch one in my mouth, which just makes us both laugh harder.

"Just a little note, don't ever feed me Poprocks again." I giggle and he giggles back.

“What, ya don’t like em?" He asked with a smirk. I reached up and pulled him in to kiss me again.

“No, but I like you. A lot.”

***

The next morning, I woke up and Austin was still asleep, flopped out on his stomach with his hands above his head. His face was towards me and he had the most adorable smile on his face. I gently pecked his shoulder to wake him up and when he did, his eyes went wide. “Babe, go look in the mirror...” He said, pointing at the mirror over the desk.

“What?” I said. When I looked at myself in the mirror, I knew what he was talking about. I had a massive hickey on the side of my neck, the shape of a lopsided circle. “Oh. That.” I crane my neck out to the side and looked at it closer. “How are we gonna spin this one?” I asked, starting to laugh.

“Watch some little kid ask you about it.” Austin said kissing my hair and yanking on some clean skinny jeans.

Of course, it was just my luck that a little kid walked up to us in the park, asking exactly what Austin said. “What’s that? What happened?” I blushed when the kid asked, immediately looking to Austin for an excuse. Austin gives me an evil grin and backs away a couple steps, leaving me to fend for myself, but thankfully I was saved by the boy’s mother, pulling him away with a “Leave the poor boys alone, honey.”

“Thanks for the backup, there, baby.” I said, sliding my arm around his waist again.

“It’s what I’m here for.” He said with a giggle.


	8. Chapter 8

Once we got back from vacation, however, my life went back to normal: living hell. My grandparents basically ignored me, leaving me to my own devices most of the time. Late at night, I’d sneak out to see Austin, as they wouldn’t let me see him during they day, “where Christ Jesus can see you sinning in plain sight,” they said.

About a month after our trip, we were sitting in the tree in Austin’s yard together just watching the stars.   
“I really hate this.” I said quietly. “I hate this so much.”

He dropped a kiss on my hair. “I know. I do too.”

“I’m kind of surprised they didn’t kick me out after they found out about you.” I told him while we were walking back to my house. “They’re so religious, my Grandad probably thinks he’s the living incarnation of Jesus or something.” Austin giggled. When we got to my new street, I didn’t want to walk away. 

“We start back to school again in a week.... then we’ll get to see each other all the time.” He said, trying to stay positive.

“Yeah, and get the shit beat out of us if we’re seen together.”

He hugged me close. “I won’t let that happen, trust me.”

True to his word, once we started school, not one person said or did anything directly to us when we were together. Turns out the “Mexican ninjas” we’d met earlier in the year were at the high school, and they kept Ronnie and his idiots off our backs. Sure, we each found our fair share of notes in our lockers mocking us or calling us fags, but those we could handle. For once in my life, I was happy at school, because it meant seeing the center of my world every day. Home was still awful, but he made it worth it.

That is, until our fight. Little did I know it would be the calm before the storm, the highlight of my world crashing down around me, yet again.

After about three months of us only seeing each other during school hours and under the cover of darkness, he’d had it. I could tell he was frustrated that we weren’t doing more together, spending more time together. It was safe to say that the “honeymoon phase” of our relationship was over.

“If you’d just actually MAKE AN EFFORT and PUT SOME TIME into us, then we wouldn’t be having this conversation!” Austin yelled at me.

“I AM TRYING, OKAY?! You know what my life is like, you know how hard shit is for me, so don’t tell me I’m not trying when you know I am!” I retaliated, feeling awful for screaming at him again.

“Well clearly not hard enough. I’ve tried to go farther with you for months but you freak out everytime I try and touch you! What’s up with that? Is it because Daddy hit you too much, huh?”

I stared open mouthed at him. How the hell could he be so insensitive? “That was a shot below the belt and you know it, Austin.” I whispered once I found my voice again. He just crossed his arms and eyed me up and down. “Take it back.” I gritted through my teeth, trying my hardest not to lunge at him and attack him right there.

“No. Alan, I can’t deal with this anymore,” Tears were stinging at my eyes by this point, and my breath was shaky. I couldn’t deal with this... I honestly couldn’t.

“If you’re going to leave me like every other person before you who showed even a SHRED of affection for me has, go right ahead. I’m used to it.” I screamed, choking on a sob. That was a complete lie. I would never be used to it. I hadn’t accepted the fact that I was truly a misfit: no one loved me. Austin turns away from me, not acknowledging what I said. He begins to walk away, back towards his house I assume, and the sobs erupt out of me as soon as he’s out of earshot, shaking me to my core. Of course, I managed to screw up the one good thing I had going for me, the one thing I could always count on.

Eventually, I got up, deciding I should get home in case my grandparents realized I was gone... and anyways, I was cold, though it didn’t affect me as it should, with the numbness that had spread around my body. I forced myself up, on shaky knees, still sniffling, and wandered home, lost in my thoughts.

Everyone does this. Why would Austin be any different. Of course he’d leave you, you’re worthless. Just like your dad said. You should be dead, not your mum. It’s your fault, it’s always your fault.

“What’s the point of living...” I mumble to myself, before realizing how horrible my voice sounds from all the crying I’ve been doing. I stumble in the door, closing it behind me, and collapse, my back sliding down against it, into a heaping ball of sobs yet again. I had no clue how long I cried for, but eventually, all I felt was numbness, I couldn’t shed another tear if I tried. I got up, going straight for my room to seek the comfort of my blade. I dig it into my skin, dragging it along and adding cuts wherever there weren’t already, my legs completely littered with cuts already. “Well, not like anyone cares...” I mumbled, glancing down to my wrists, which were clean besides a few scars, including the one my dad gave me. I would do ten or fifteen close together on one wrist, then do another ten or fifteen on the other, slowly covering my arm about four inches up. I was interrupted by a knock on the door, so I glanced at the clock for the first time since I stumbled in, and it read 1:28 AM. I groaned, forcing myself up, assuming my grandparents wouldn’t get it, and pulled a hoodie and a pair of pyjama pants over my almost-bare body, to hide all the cuts from the mysterious visitor. My mind got the best of me while I walked towards the door, hoping it was a serial killer or something like that, who knocks on the doors of his victims before murdering them. Then I wouldn’t have to put up with this hell anymore... no more disappointments, no more abandonments. I held my breath while opening the door, to be blinded by red and blue lights, brightly contrasting the darkness of the night surrounding the squad car. I look up into the face of the police officer waiting at my door, and see a serious look on his face.

“Are you Alan Ashby?” The man asks, a deep voice filled with sorrow. I nod slowly, wondering what a police officer was doing at my grandparent’s house at 1:30 in the morning, especially knowing my name. “Can I come in? I’m afraid you’ll want to sit down, son.” I open the door wider for him, and he puts a comforting hand on my shoulder.

***

“You can stay here for the night, but someone will be by to pick you up tomorrow.” I stare expressionless at the officer. How could someone come in here and tell me that the two people I had to take care of me, just... disappeared? Why were they even out at this time? I was surrounded by death, it was haunting me. First my mum, now my grandparents... I nod, staring down at my arms, which I knew I’d be digging into later. Literally. Why did people have to be careless? The drunk driver got off, he didn’t suffer barely anything, yet the two people who at least had the decency not to leave me rotting on the streets, had to die, because of his stupid drunken actions? As soon as the officer left the house, I stood up, letting out a scream.

“THIS ISN’T FAIR! WHY? Why...” I was clutching my phone in my hand, and in a fit of anger I threw it, it hitting the wall and smashing based on the sound I heard, which I’d probably regret later. My voice turned into a whisper as I sunk to the ground, wishing I had my blade so I could bring myself some relief.

Getting the notice that the last people on earth who actually cared about me was the final straw. I was done here. I never was good with impulse decisions, and this was no different, except this time, I was fine with the consequences. I picked Sophie up and took her into my room with me, so I at least had something... “I’m so sorry, baby.” I said to her. Her ears pricked up when she saw me pull out a clean razor instead of the old stained one. “I have to go, okay?” She climbed into my lap and meowed, rubbing up against me. Oh, the innocence of kittens. I then decided to make this as mess-free of a process as I could. The blood would stain the sheets and the mattress, so I opted to sit against the wall in the bathroom instead. Once I pressed the metal into my wrist, I felt better, at ease, almost dreamlike. I did it again, deeper, and again, deeper still, until before I knew it, I’d completely covered both arms. II stood up and tried to look at myself in the mirror, but I could barely see. When I managed to get myself onto my own two feet, I collapsed again.

A voice startled me out of my haze, kind of. “Alan! Oh my God, what happened?!” Austin said from the door.

“Not like you care,” I tried to say, barely being able to speak.

“Did you do this to yourself?” He asked when he knelt next to me to help me sit up.

I could feel a fresh wave of tears welling up in my throat, and I tried to resist the darkness threatening to consume me at the corners of my vision, even just for a little while. I failed, blacking out to the sight of Austin clutching onto my wrist, his phone in his other hand.

***

I woke up to a slight beeping noise, and some other weird noises I wasn’t used to. I tried to sit up but someone pushed me back down.

“No, no, not yet, dear. You lost a lot of blood. Not just yet.” A kind voice said to me. I looked to where the voice was coming from, and a sweet looking dark skinned woman in scrubs smiled at me.  
“What happened?” I groan.

“Well... look at yourself, I think you can answer that.” I glance down at my arms to see what she’s referencing, and then I see my entire upper body littered with scars: deep, shallow, curved, straight. Whatever adjective I could think of came to mind when I looked at myself.

“I-I did this?” I asked her. She nodded and adjusted the thin piece of plastic tubing under my nose, then brushed some of my hair out of my eyes.

“Yep. But we’ll make you better. There’s great doctors here, and a great staff and-”

“I want to see Austin.” I interrupted her. I don’t know why but I needed to see him, even after our fight. “Is he here?”

“Let’s give you a few more hours to rest and then we’ll let you have some visitors, okay?” I nodded. Seemed like a fair trade.

[Austin’s POV]

I’d spent the entire night at the hospital. I didn’t care that I got no sleep at all. I didn’t care that my back was killing me, that everything was aching. I NEEDED to make sure he was okay.

"Austin?" The doctor asked when she came out of Alan's room. My head shot up at the sound of my name, and she took notice. "Alan’s been awake for awhile now and is asking for you." She said, nodding towards the door. I stood up and wiped the tears off my face, then opened his door slightly and walked in. He was sitting up, shirtless, five or six different heart monitors attached to him, an oxygen tube running under his nose. Alan looked absolutely terrified. Instead of there just being the usual cuts on his legs, there were marks everywhere on his body. Some deep, some shallow, all of which made me want to cry.

"I'm so sorry, Alan." I said, my voice thick with tears as he extended his arms towards me. I sat on the bed and hugged him. He pulled away from me, and I quickly got the hint, pulling away so I didn’t hurt him more. He started shaking and crying, watching my every movement as if I were going to disappear any minute. “I knew it was bad, but I didn’t know it was this bad... I thought you were better now.”

“I’ll never be better... you don't know how many times I haven't been able to sleepbecause I’ve felt like a wasted space, how many times I've been so close to swallowing my pride along with some pills and ending my life. You don't know how many hours I've wasted mopping my own blood off my bedroom floor, just to try and make myself feel something for once! I hate being numb like this, but I can't make it stop. I shouldn't be alive, and you just made it more clear to me... so don’t apologize." He whispered quietly after a short silence.

That really got me. He shouldn't be talking like that, he's the best thing that ever happened to me. "Alan...” He gave me a weak shove.

“Just get out.” He said. “What you said to me... during our fight, about my dad. Austin, you have to understand that you can’t take that back. You made what he did to me seem like my fault and you know it’s not.”

“But... Alan...” My breath caught in my throat, tears rolling down my cheeks. “I love you... I was just angry...”

“Please, get out.”

When I shut the door to his room, I looked at my parents’ nervous faces. “Well?” My mom asked.

“He’s fine. He’s alive.” I say flatly.

“Did you try and talk to him?” Dad asked.

I nodded. “He wouldn’t listen.” I coughed, trying to dislodge the lump in my throat. “I hurt him real bad.” Both my parents nodded and my mom hugged me.

“Do you want me to talk to him?” She asked. I shook my head.

“Let’s just.... we’ll take some time away from each other, I guess. Let him get better.” I said while I slid down the wall. “Can we go home?”

Just as I asked, a man in a suit with a briefcase came walking down the hallway. “Excuse me, ma’am?”

He said to my mother. “You wouldn’t happen to know where I can find an Alan Ashby, would you?” 

“Who are you, may I ask?” She said, starting to get a bit defensive with him.

“I’m Kellin Bostwick, I’m a social worker and family lawyer. I’m here to talk with him about his options for finding a new family.” I stood up at that.

“Woah, woah, woah. New family? As in he might have to move away?” I said, shaking my head a little. “No, you can’t take him away from me. Why would he have to leave?”

“Austin, honey, watch your tone, he’s a lawyer.” My mom said, putting a hand on my shoulder to calm me down. It wasn’t working particularly well.

“Mr.... Bostwick, is it?”

“Yes,”

“Right, Mr. Bostwick. Can we have a bit of a chat?” Dad asked, leading him towards the waiting area.

“While he’s distracted, let’s go talk to Alan.” Mom said. She knocked on the door and someone opened it. “Alan, hun? Can we talk?”

“What about?” His face fell when he saw me walk in. “Not while he’s here.”

“Come on, please.” I begged. He was silent for a second, weighing his options.

“Fine.” Mom and I both sat down. All three of us were silent for a minute.

"Okay, I know that both of you are upset, upset, for different reasons," she started. "But I personally think that you two need to talk about what happened calmly. No yelling, no anger, just work out why you said what you said and did what you did while you were both that mad at each other."

“Wait... mum. Alan,” I turn towards Alan, and he refuses to meet my eye. “Alan... why is there a social worker coming to see you?” Alan’s face tightens up, a pained expression spreading across it.

“I... they said they’d send someone... I forgot...”

“But why, Alan?”

“My... my grandparents...” Alan’s eyes were filling with tears, and by reflex I put a hand on his, him surprisingly not pulling away.

“Alan, honey, tell us what happened?” My mum chips in.

“They... they got in a car accident... I...” Alan’s voice caught in his throat, and he was unable to say more.


	9. Chapter 9

"You're not serious right?" I asked, kind of stunned. "My only other relatives are in Massachusetts, on the other side of the country?! Not a snowball's chance in hell, no way. I’m staying in California." We were talking with the social worker about what to do with me. It was mostly a conversation between Austin’s parents and Kellin. No one was really considering what I wanted and what I needed. 

"We're doing what's best for you here." Kellin said. "You need a stable, loving home and-"  
"And I already have that here. I don't need to move across the goddamn country to find that." I snapped. 

"We're just trying to help you-"

"If you really wanted to help me, you'd ask me what I want instead of assuming you know."  
Kellin rubbed his forehead and let out an exasperated sigh. I knew I was being difficult but I didn't really care. Even if I was still furious with Austin, I wasn’t moving so far away we'd need a computer to see each other. I was too in love with him to let that happen. "If I didn't have your best interests at heart, I wouldn’t be here.”

“But you’re not listening to him.” Austin said. “Ask him if he wants to move, don’t just tell him. It’s his life, not yours. So don’t tell him what to do.” Kellin looked at Austin.

"He's actually right." I said glancing from Austin to Kellin to Austin's parents. "You're all just assuming that you know what I want when in reality you have no idea. Can I please have some time to think about this before we jump into a decision?” Kellin nodded.

“I’ll see you all soon. But keep in mind, even when you do decide what you want, I can't guarantee we'll be able to make it happen that way.” He said, packing up his things and getting up. I thought I heard him whisper something about ‘ignorant teenagers’ on his way out, but I brushed it off. Once he was gone, Austin's parents shared a look. I couldn't put my finger on what the look was about. “Do you two mind if we leave you alone for a minute? We need to... have a little talk about what’s going to happen.” I nodded and they got up to leave.

“Alan...can you please just listen to me?” Austin asked. I didn’t respond. “Please. I’m sorry. I was angry and I didn’t know what else to say. It just came out. I’m so sorry.” 

I bit the inside of my cheek and glanced at him from the corner of my eye. “I’m less angry than I was before. But I’m still really pissed off at you.” 

Just when I said that, Austin’s dad opened the door a bit. “Austin? Can we talk to you for a bit?”

[Austin’s P.O.V.]

“Yeah sure, of course,” I replied, standing up from my seat and giving Alan an apologetic smile. I walked out of the room, my father shutting the door behind me, and both my parents looked at eachother, then my mum nodded to my dad, encouraging him to do the speaking.

“Austin, how would you feel about us offering to have Alan live with us? Of course it would take a while, but it is possible, and -” I cut my dad off, a smile already widespread across my face.  
“I’d love it, it’s Alan you have to worry about!”

“Oh and Austin, don’t mention it to Alan until we discuss it with Kellin, alright? We don’t want to get his hopes up if we can’t...”

“Yeah, alright, but... what if he can’t stay?”

“Then he moves to Massachusetts.” Mum said.

“No, I won’t let that happen.” I said, a bite in my tone that I felt bad about.

“It’s the law, Austin, we don’t get a say.” 

***

Two days later, we were in Kellin’s office going over options. I had pretty much no idea what was happening, lots of big official sounding legal words, like “liability" and “legal relation" were being thrown around, but I made my best attempt at understanding the general idea.

“So basically, there are two options for what you’re proposing: you could apply for a dependency certificate for him, but that’s the most expensive and longest process of the two.”

“How long does that take?”

“About four months.”

“Too long.” I said flatly.

“O...kay. The other option is you could register to be a foster home, which, in California at least, only takes about a month and a half. He’d have to live in Massachusetts for that month, but it’s not four months right?” 

Mum and Dad looked at each other. “Let’s talk about it tonight and then we’ll let you know tomorrow, okay?”

When we got back to the house I wanted to call Alan or text him so bad, but he'd smashed his phone the night of the accident. 

"When's Alan getting out of the hospital?" I called downstairs.

"Next week I think!" I sighed, flopping down on my bed and throwing my hands up. I let out an over-dramatic groan then flipped over, pulling my phone out and playing on it, since I had no one interesting to text.

“Hey mum! Can we bring Alan his laptop so I can Skype with him?”

“Sure, tomorrow, okay?” I stayed up for a few hours that night, trying to craft a big apology speech to give to Alan, but I couldn't think of anything to say. The next morning over breakfast I asked mum about it.

"Well, what have you said to him so far?"

"Just a lot of 'I'm sorry's and I shouldn't have said that's. He hasn't accepted it yet and I don't know what else to do. Mom, I love him. I don't want to lose him, especially because of something I did." She came around to the other side of the counter and hugged me. 

"I know, sweetie. We'll fix this okay?"

***

When Mom came home from dropping off Alan's laptop I wanted to call him immediately. "Give him a few minutes, he was asleep when I left." She said with a laugh. 

"Did you leave the note on it like I asked?"

"The 'call me when you get the chance. I'm so sorry that I fucked up our relationship' note that was in my purse? Yes, I did."

"You weren't supposed to read it, but thank you." 

I literally sat in front of my computer for the rest of the day waiting for him to wake up. 

[Alan’s P.O.V.]

I open my laptop, sighing as I logged on. Hospitals are always depressing places. Austin wanted me to Skype him, and though I wasn’t sure about it, I was going to do it. I opened up Skype and Austin was already online. I sent him a message, a simple ‘hey’, to see if he was at the computer, and got an immediate response, asking if I could talk right now, and to call him if I could.

Skype made it’s odd version of a ringing noise, and Austin picked up in a few seconds. His face appeared on my screen, and a smile immediately spread across it. I smiled back, and raised a hand to wave at him.

“Hey Alan!”

“Hi...”

“How are you feeling?” I let out a groan, and he frowned. “Not too great, huh? Listen... I’m so so so so so sorry about everything I said to you...” I rolled my eyes about how many ‘so’s Austin threw in, then nodded. “I know I can’t take it back but honestly I didn’t mean it and I’m an asshole for ever saying something like that and I,” Austin took a breath, his run on sentences catching up to him, and I wait for him to continue. “I really hope you’ll forgive me because you are so amazing and I need you in my life and I...”

“Yes, okay Austin. I forgive you...” I interrupt him, and he breathes a sigh of relief.

“Okay thank god... hey Alan...” I can hear the hesitation in his voice, as if he has bad news or something to tell me. “Can I tell you something?” I lift up the laptop and put it on the bed beside me, so I can lay on my side and still talk to Austin.

“Yeah... sure?”

“I uh... I... I can’t...” Austin looks down, biting his lip, which brings a smile to my face.  
“Well... alrighty then I guess? You don’t have to tell me whatever it is.” He looks back up and smiles. We sit in silence for a few moments until it’s broken my Austin’s mum.

“Oh, are you and Alan talking?” She walks in sight of the camera, then waves and smiles at me. “Hey Alan, I hope you’re feeling a little better!”

“Yeah, a bit, and thank you for dropping off my laptop Ms. Carlile!”

“Austin, we’ve got to go soon, so finish up with Alan and get ready, okay?” Austin’s mum says as she leaves Austin’s room.

“Where are you going?” Austin shrugs, then gets up, moving his laptop so we can still see each other while he gets ready. He pulls off his shirt. “Stripping for me Carlile? Is that really appropriate?” He laughs and shakes his arse at the camera as he bends over to grab a different shirt. “You know, it’s kind of girly for you to change clothes so much.”

“I’m going out, what am I supposed to do?”

“Wear the same clothes, duh?” He laughs at the way I say it, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

“Well Alan, it seems as though I must change my pants now, and yes, I must! Since you don’t appreciate my attempts at stripping for you, I guess this is goodbye for now?” I frown but nod.  
“Bye Austin... have fun wherever you’re going.”

“Bye Alan,” Austin smiles, now right in front of the camera again. “I love you...” He quickly hangs up, before I can reply, and the smile that spreads across my face is near-impossible to wipe off.  
“I love you too...” I say out loud to nothing.

***

“So...today’s the day, huh? You’re really leaving?” Austin asked as I packed up my bags at the airport terminal a few days later.

“Yeah, I’m leaving.” I said sadly. “I really don’t want to leave though.”

“I don’t want you to leave either. Not after we’ve just made up.” I didn’t respond, just buried my face into his chest, hugged him and sighed sadly. 

“Alan, c’mon, you’re going to miss the flight.” Kellin said from behind us.

“Can you give us just a few more minutes?” Austin asked. Kellin nodded and walked away.  
We just stood there for a few more minutes. We didn’t say anything, because we didn’t really need to. This was our way of saying goodbye without actually saying anything at all. Kellin called us one more time, and after that I finally said something.

“I don’t want to stop. Stopping means that I’m that much closer to leaving.” 

“Hey. Look at me.” He said, tipping my face up towards his. “When you come home I’ll be waiting for you. I’ll still love you just as much in a month and a half as I do right here, right now, okay? No one else could ever take your place. You’re too bright of a star to me to ever be forgotten. I love you.” 

“I love you too.” I said, reaching up to kiss him lightly. 

***

On the flight to Massachusetts, all I could think of was him. His face, his eyes, his arms around me, him. I missed him so much already and I’d only been gone for six hours. When we finally landed, I felt like I was in kind of a haze. Once we found baggage claim, a man and a woman with bright red hair similar to mine found us and talked with Kellin for a bit, a young child circling around me and eyeing me suspiciously.

“So....YOU’RE Alan?” He asked.

“Uhh... yeah? Who wants to know?” I said.

“Let’s get one thing straight here: I’m the baby of this family, I’m the boss of this house. What I say goes. Got it? Everyone answers to me.” 

“Yeah, well, you’re eight, I’m fifteen. I’ve got a few years on you.”

He scoffed. “You’re mean!”

“Josh! Be nice to him! He just got here!”

“Bu-”

“Josh. No buts.” 

“So much for running this house.” I scoffed at him.

“Shut up.” He said back, eyes trained on his shoes and his cheeks turning red.

It took us an hour to drive back to my new home from the airport, but when we finally got there, I was greeted with a medium sized green house with a cute little front port tacked on like an afterthought. Everything was covered in snow (which I was not too happy about) which gave the appearance of being in a snowglobe. “Welcome home, Alan!” was splayed across a banner in the kitchen in huge rainbow letters (very funny) with a cake (I guess I could like these people). Everything here was much different than in California. Already I missed the heat and the sunshine. It was all trees and snow and clouds and I didn’t like it one bit. After dinner I shut myself up in my room in hopes of avoiding my family for the rest of my little stay here. I wasn’t going to be staying long, so it’s not like I had to bond with them right? Wrong.

Each day over the school break we had the first week of my being there, we did “family things” together, which was mostly what Josh wanted to do. Most of the time, I was listening to my iPod and trying to ignore the fact that I was related to these people, as most sensible teenagers would. Then I was informed by whoever I was living with (first or second cousins, maybe? I wasn’t really paying attention in the preliminary meeting) that “I was having a smart attitude with them” and that “I needed to shape up.” After that, Josh usually decided to trip me, then throw a tantrum when his parents asked about it. Score, trading one shitty life for another on the other side of the country away from the one person that mattered most to me. Every day, Austin and I Skyped each other, but it wasn’t anything close to having him there with me to hug and kiss and talk to for real. When we talked, he was getting ready for the rest of his day, and I was winding down from mine, so at least we got to say good night and good morning to the other. 

One day during one of our conversations, we got on the subject of Austin’s birthday. “I’m gonna miss your birthday!” I felt so bad about missing it but I couldn’t do anything about it. “I feel so bad!”

“Nah, it’s okay. I won’t be mad at you for missing it.” He said with a giggle.

“Maybe my present can be coming home in a few days?” I said, trying to drop the hint that I’d be home for his birthday without outright telling him I’d be home. 

“Yeah but it’s only been three weeks baby. Mom and Dad haven’t said anything about you coming home anytime soon.” What he didn’t know was that the application was approved four days ago and that my plane trip home was scheduled for tomorrow. 

“I know. I just miss you so much. Soon, I’ll be home soon.” He smiled that adorable smile then said goodbye and hung up. Then he sent me an IM that said: “Give my mom a call when you get the chance, she said someone needs to talk to you. Miss you and love you more than words can say.” 

***

“You ready for tomorrow? Everything’s in place. He doesn’t suspect a thing, at least I think he doesn’t.” Austin’s mom said when I picked up the phone. 

“Yeah, I’m so excited. I miss everyone a ton.” I said. “You all are so good to me, and I miss him so much.”

“He misses you too. He was just talking about you a few hours ago, about.... I don’t even remember, he rambles so much now. Anyways, we’ll see you tomorrow, just wanted to check in and see how you were doing.” 

“Bye Mrs. Carlile,” I said with a laugh and hung up. I was excited to go back. I needed Austin and the California sunshine like I needed air to breathe. Everything shitty that had gotten me to this point had happened there, but everything good that had gotten me to where I was had happened there too. It was as if, by some invisible string or tie, I would always be pulled back to wherever he was. He was like a drug that changed my life for the better, and I loved him even more for it.


	10. Chapter 10

I couldn't sit still on the whole flight over. My leg was constantly shaking, or I was tapping out a beat on my legs, or twiddling my thumbs, just generally moving and keeping myself occupied somehow. I was going to see him again. I missed him so much I could barely handle myself.

I stepped into the airport, following the crowd of people to the baggage claim. I found my suitcase, easy enough with it’s vibrant colour, then went on a search for Austin’s parents. I wasn't sure if they’d have Austin with them, and unfortunately they didn't when I found them. I was swallowed in a hug from the two of them, and Austin's dad took my bags. They said he had no idea that I was coming home today, and that he thought they had gone out to pick up a birthday present for him.

We arrived home, Austin’s parents calling out a greeting to Austin. “Hey, you want your present right now? Stay there!” Austin of course called back a yes, happy to receive a present early. They motioned for me to go up the stairs and surprise Austin. I walked up the stairs, trying to be as quiet as possible, and hesitated to open the door. What if he wasn't happy to see me? I pushed those thoughts aside, creaking open the door. Austin swiveled around, sitting on his chair at his computer desk, and his mouth fell open. He blinked a few times, making sure I was actually there, and I just smiled.

"I'm your present." I said quietly to him as I walked closer. His face lit up with a sultry grin.

"Favorite present ever." He whispered as he pulled me closer by my t-shirt. One of his hands cupped the back of my neck and he pressed his lips against mine. I missed this. My heart started racing, I shifted myself so I was straddling his lap with my arms wrapped around his neck.He kissed me back desperately, all love and tongue and just the slightest hint of teeth. My universe began and ended with where his mouth was, where his hands were on the back of my thighs. The warmth of his lips drifted down to my jawline, then to my neck, which had me arching my neck practically begging for more. My mouth felt empty without his attached. I pulled his hair to get him back up and he grinned to me slyly.

"I love you, you little idiot, c'mere," I said fondly before I practically yanked him onto me. Just then, Austin’s mum decided it was time to eat, and yelled at us to come down. We both groaned, but I was kind of relieved as I was starving as well, even if I hadn’t realized it before.

***

[View Change]

“We’re leaving you two alone for the night, we’ve got some friends to see, you two can have some time to catch up.” Austin jokingly wriggled his eyebrows at Alan, causing his mum to glare at him. His father laughed, putting a hand on his wife’s shoulder.

“Don’t worry, I think they have more self-control than that.”

***

“I uh…” Alan looked down at Austin, who was kissing his way down Alan's chest sloppily, with no clue what he was actually doing. Austin glanced up for a moment, meeting Alan’s eyes, and raised his eyebrows. “Are you… sure you want to do this?” He questioned, Austin rubbing circles on Alan’s hipbones, his face inches away from his crotch.

“As long as you want to…” Austin whispered back, then planting a kiss right above the zipper of Alan’s pants, where Alan had a thin red happy-trail leading up to his belly button. Alan nodded with a bit of a whimper, and Austin took his time dragging his hands along Alan’s lower abdomen to his belt, where he fooled with it for a few seconds before getting it undone. He unbuttoned and unzipped Alan’s jeans, then slid his fingers in the waist of them, one hand on each side of his hips. He gave them a little tug and Alan took the hint, arching his body to allow Austin to easily pull off his jeans. Alan suddenly feet more self-conscious with those gone, wishing he could cover himself from Austin.

Austin came up to kiss Alan, hands wandering his chest, slowly making their way down to the bulge in Alan’s boxers. Austin wrapped his fingers around Alan’s boxer-clad cock, drawing a soft moan through Alan’s lips. He slid the palm of his hand up Alan’s boxers, curling his fingers around the elastic waistband. He tugged them down slowly, hands shaky with nervousness. A sad look crossed Austin’s face as he revealed Alan’s scars, and he couldn't help but run his fingers along them. He looked up at Alan as he wraps his hand around his cock, and Alan sucked in a breath, tensing up.

“Still alright?” Austin asked and Alan nodded eagerly, encouraging Austin to continue. Austin gave Alan a few strokes, twisting his hand each time he gets to the top of his cock, as he often did to himself. Alan seemed to enjoy it, biting his lip in an attempt to hold back a moan. Austin looked down, having a mental debate with himself over whether it would be going too far, in Alan’s terms, to do what he wanted to do. He decided to risk it, lowering his head and wrapping his lips around the tip of Alan’s cock. Alan let out a gasp, and he couldn't help but dig his nails into Austin’s back as he lowered his head, stroking with his hand what he couldn’t get into his mouth. Alan tried to form words to tell Austin what’s coming, but he couldn’t seem to, and just ended up arching his hips, a string of profanities streaming out of his mouth. With a final moan of Austin’s name, Alan relaxed on the bed, a contented sigh escaping his lips as Austin swallows, as though it’s the most natural thing in the world. Alan looks to Austin, who’s shifting rather uncomfortably in his current position.

“Did you uhm…” Alan paused, biting his lip nervously. “Want me to do the same to you?” A blush coloured the boy’s cheeks as he fidgeted nervously, glancing at Austin’s crotch. Austin shrugged, not wanting to force Alan into anything. Austin was clearly uncomfortable in his current state, Alan could see that, but Austin completely understood if Alan didn’t want to do anything more. Of course, he’d have to go… relieve himself, in the bathroom if Alan didn’t But, whatever his boyfriend was up for, he was alright with. Alan crawled over to Austin, putting a hand behind his head and kissing him. Alan’s other hand pawed at Austin’s crotch, through the material of his jeans, and Austin couldn’t help the groan he let out, but he managed to keep himself from grinding against Alan’s hand, wanting more friction but not wanting to scare Alan away. Alan pulled away from Austin’s mouth, taking his hand from the back of his head as well, and Austin frowned. Alan managed to not show any expression while he brought his other hand down to Austin’s crotch, fiddling with the zipper and button of his jeans, before slowly pulling down his pants, taking his boxers with them as well. He looked at Austin as he wrapped his tentative hand around Austin’s cock, causing Austin to bite his lip. He stroked Austin a few times, not as expertly as Austin seemed to, and Austin thrusted up into his hand, his mouth open in a silent moan. He continued to stroke Austin, experimenting with twisting his hand like Austin had done, and earned a few - rather loud - moans from Austin. Alan bit his lip, feeling bad for not giving as much to Austin as he gave to him, but not stopping his hand motion. Austin’s head fell back, his eyes closing from the pleasure he was feeling.

“Shit Alan…” He groaned, thrusting into Alan’s hand. In a few more strokes, Austin was coming over Alan’s hand, Alan unsure of what he should be doing at this point. He took his hand off the other boy’s cock, and Austin sighed happily, before realizing the other boy was staring awkwardly at his hands, and he laughed. “Tissue!” He said, leaning over the side of his bed to pull out a box, and hand a few to Alan. Alan tossed them in the bin once he was done, and turned around to see Austin pulling on a fresh pair of boxers, a pair set out for him as well. He pulled them on, and Austin laid on the bed, lifting up his arm as a way to show Alan where he wanted him to be.

***

[View Change]

We were just laying in his bed, the mood calm and perfect. I completely forgot about everything else. The only things that mattered were him, his steady breathing, that he was mine. Then, he did something that surprised me. He gently took one of my arms and held it in front of him. Without saying a word, he kissed every single mark I'd made, all the way up to my shoulders and onto my collar bone, then did the same on the other side.

"Wha-what was that?" I asked.

"I was making you better." He had a serious look in his eyes. "You're too amazing to do that to yourself. You have to promise me you won't anymore." He tangled his fingers in mine and I nodded.

"I promise."

"Can I tell you a secret?" He asked quietly. I nodded again. 

“You helped save me, and you didn’t even know it.” I looked at him funny. I had no idea what he was talking about. 

“What?”

He continued on the tangent he’d started, and I slowly started to pick up. “See that bathroom over there?” He pointed at the door next to his closet in his bedroom. “Well, last year, I used to spend hours on the floor in there, forcing myself to throw up everything I’d eaten because I hated myself so much. But, when I started to get to know you, I stopped. You wanna know why? Because I thought that you would hate seeing me like that, seeing me destroy myself from the inside out. So, I went to my family and told them I had a problem and they helped me. Because of you.”

“Are you serious?” I said, looking at him in a whole new light. “Why? You’re perfect, why’d you do that to yourself?”

“It was right around when I started thinking that I liked guys instead of girls. I was so disgusted with myself, I thought I was a monster. So that was the next logical step.”

I was speechless. He was still here because of me. Wow. “I love you. So much. Don’t ever doubt that, okay? And if you ever want to do that shit again, I’m the first person you come to, understand?” He nodded then kissed me sweetly. 

“And if you ever feel like cutting again, same goes for you.” I fell asleep a few minutes later, lulled into my dreams by the steady cadence of his breathing and the beating of his heart next to mine.

A few days later, we were watching the news when we heard a story that scared the living shit out of me.

"...and our top story at 5:00 this evening, the alleged murderer in the Ashby case is back in Huntington, he escaped from prison about a month ago, and is armed and dangerous..."

Austin looked at me. "Oh God no. No no no no no, that's not true." I stood up and was backing towards one of the walls. 

"Alan, calm down." Austin said, lightly gripping my shoulder.

"He's probably looking for me, oh God what if he finds me?! What if he hurts me again, or hurts you guys?" Then the phone rang. Austin went over to pick it up and motioned for me to lay down on the couch.

"Hey mom...Yeah we've got the news on, we just saw it... he's fine, a little freaked but fine-"

"I am about the farthest thing you can get from fine right now!" I could feel myself starting to hyperventilate at just the thought of him coming back.

"Okay, scratch that. We're freaking out a bit but Alan's safe right now... I'll lock all the doors as soon as we get off the phone. Is Dad coming home soon?... Really? Okay. Bye, see you soon."

After Austin went around and locked all the doors and windows, he found me huddled behind the couch in the living room so I couldn't be seen should anyone try and get in the house. He sat by my head and ran his fingers through my hair, telling me stories about music and people and places, anything and everything to help me calm down.

"Boys?" Austin's mom called when she walked in the door. "You okay?"

"We're fine. Hiding a bit but fine." 

"Oh thank God. Dad's on his way home right now, he shouldn't be too long, okay?"

***

At around nine that night we heard a violent pounding on the door. I knew it was him. Almost immediately I bolted up to hide behind the couch so he couldn't see me right away.

"Where's the little freak? I have some unfinished business to attend to." A slurred voice came from the front door.

"Sir, please get off of my property. Austin, call the police." His dad said bluntly. "You have damaged that poor young man enough, he doesn't need anything else from you."

Then I decided to make a very daring move: I stood up, walked towards my father and punched him square in the face. "Doesn't feel so awesome, does it?" I gritted through my teeth. "Hurts, huh? Well I felt that every single day from you for six years. So thanks."

He looked up at me and lunged at me, wrapping his hands tightly around my neck. "Don't ever do that to me again, you understand?" I couldn't respond, couldn't breathe. I tried to get him to let go of me, but someone pulled him off of me. When i could finally see again, there was a police officer putting handcuffs on him and reading him his rites. Finally.

Another officer helped me stand up and walked me over to an ambulance. "Are you okay?" She asked me kindly when I sat down in the back of the open vehicle. I nodded while one EMT wrapped a blanket around my shoulders and another checked my vitals.

“Can you tell me what happened?" The officer asked. I looked at the ground and thought for a second.

"Just what happened today...or everything?"

"Everything. Start from the beginning of the abuse. When did it start? Did something prompt it?"

"When he lost his job 6 years ago. He came home and took it out on me that night."

"Was it bad?"

"No, just a few slaps, but it grew from there, obviously."

"When was the worst one?" She was recording everything and writing it down on a legal pad.

I thought for a second. I hadn’t thought about that night in years. "Well... it was about two and a half years ago, a week before my birthday... h-he came home and... I could tell he'd been drinking, more than usual... he belted me until I passed out. It was awful. My back is still all scarred because of it."

"What happened the night your mom died?"

The word 'died' stung. I still wasn't used to believing that she was gone. "I was here, I didn't see it. But it probably was him. He'd always said that if I 'turned gay' he'd kill me. I guess I was in the right place at the right time for once." Then one of the EMT's said that I should get my esophagus x-rayed and stay overnight for observation. Oh boy, more time in the fucking hospital. Score.


	11. Chapter 11

[Austin’s P.O.V.]

I wove around the house filled with drunken teens, looking for my dearest Alan. I wasn’t sure why we were even here, I had no interest in drinking my non-existent troubles away, as most teens liked to do, and Alan refused to touch a drink, which was completely understandable with the monster his dad turned into from alcohol. Yet, here we were, surrounded by loud music and loud people, all acting like idiots. I reached into my pockets, searching for my phone, then realized I had left it with Alan. What a smart choice I made, why did I do that? Now I can’t even text him to ask where he is. I turned down a hallway, absent-mindedly peeking in one of the rooms, knowing I’d likely regret what I saw. In it, I saw Josh, who looked rather upset, being comforted by Oli, who had his body wrapped around Josh’s. God knows why Josh was upset, as far as I knew he wasn’t that kind of drunk, but - oh god. Did Josh, one of the biggest homophobes I know, just kiss Oli? Well... I don’t even know what to think of that. None of my business anyways. Moving on from here!

I walked down the stairs, greeted by another swarm of bodies, and turned to the living room to see Jaime and Vic making out on a couch. Tony made a joke about them getting a room and Vic just gave him the finger without a second thought, then turned his head to the side. "Who needs a room, it is my fucking house!" I had to laugh at that.

[Alan's P.O.V.]

I searched around for Austin, after reaching in my pocket to check my phone and pulling out his. Of course, that dumbass left it with me. I knew I didn’t fit in here, and that feeling was especially evident without Austin by my side, so I hoped to get him back as soon as possible. I spotted him, swerving around bodies in the living room with a grin on his face, and started to make my way towards him. “Hey!” I smiled, pulling him to my side by his waist. Austin’s grin turned into a full-blown smile, causing me to smile too. "So...you wanna...” I pause awkwardly, unsure of what in the bloody hell I was saying. “Wanna dance?"

He giggled a bit and covered it with a cough. "Of course." He replied when I offered him a hand. His hands slunk down to my waist and mine wound their way around his shoulders. We began to dance like that, ignoring the actual fast-pace of the music playing, living in our own little world. Austin leaned down, nudging my head up so he could kiss me. "I love you, you know that, right?" He whispered in my ear as he pulled me a bit closer. I nodded, unable to help the butterflies I felt from him saying that.

"I love you too. If we'd never met then I'd probably be dead by now... thank you." I whispered back, and that stupid little smile I loved so much spread across his face and he pressed his lips and his body against mine. We continued to dance, until I noticed out of the corner of my eye, Josh storming towards our general direction. I let Austin go, causing him to frown and look in the direction of whatever had caught my attention.

"Well hey there, fag." He drawled at me. "Whassup?" He asked, before backhanding me for no reason.

"What the fuck was that for?!" I yelled.

"Can't handle one little slap, huh? Well, that's too bad." He slurred, dropping his bottle and grabbing my wrists. Fuck, not again. Of course, this had to start again. I twisted my hands out of his grip and shoved him a bit. Austin glared at Josh, but let me defend myself, seeing I was doing fine.

"Seriously, keep your hands off me." He sneered at me, shoving me again. I pushed him back, which earned me a punch to the gut. I bent over, the breath knocked out of me, and Austin stepped in, his demeanor having changed completely from the soft-spoken, caring person he was earlier to something a lot scarier. His eyes were full of anger, strong enough it would probably send my dad running, his shoulders were hunched ever so slightly, and everything about him was terrifying. He pinned Josh to the wall with a slam (and a slight crack of either a wrist or the sheetrock of the wall) and got close to his face.

"Listen here, prick. Do everything exactly as I fucking say and you won't get hurt, understood?" Josh nodded, his eyes full of fear. "Good. Now, you're going to lay off Alan, because he's been through enough hell and certainly doesn't need it from the likes of you. If you even so much as look at him the wrong way, I swear to god, me and some friends will pound you so hard no one will know who you are anymore. Oh, and also, I know about your little ‘crush’." Austin emphasized the word crush, spitting it in such a way it almost sounded like disgust.

"I... what? I have no..." The worry was evident in Josh’s voice, obviously trying to hide something, that Austin apparently knew. Austin leaned in, whispering something to Josh. I tried to read his lips, but had no luck. Josh looked near tears, whether from pain, fear, or something else, god knows, but it was a rare sight to behold.

"Don't even try and fucking deny it, I know what I saw. Want your secret to stay a secret? Then don’t touch my boyfriend ever again." He paused after every word of the last sentence, making sure his point got across, before dropping his grip on Josh. Austin looked and me and muttered a "Let's go," then gently placed a hand on my lower back and guided me out.

“So uhm... what’s this crush, or whatever?” I question, as we walk back towards Austin’s house. He hasn’t taken his hand off my back, not that I minded. He shrugs, pulling me closer to him and wrapping his fingers around my waist.

“Nothing important, that’s something Josh can figure out how to deal with himself. None of my business, honestly. Just made a good, unexpected threat at the time...” I thought about what Austin told me, and it made me wonder why a guy like Josh would be so defensive over a crush. Then it dawned on me.

“Is... who is it? What’s his name? It’s a he right?” Austin sighed, a weak smile on his face. “How do you know? Austin...” My voice turned to a whiney tone, dragging out my words in hopes of dragging out information from Austin. “Come on, you know I won’t tell anyone, who would I have to tell anyways?” Austin rolls his eyes at my attempts, finally giving in just as we’re reaching his house.

“Yes it is a he, and I really shouldn’t know, but I happened to walk by at the wrong moment.”

“Wrong moment? What was happening?” I interrupt, anxious to hear everything.

“Calm your balls man,” Austin giggles, letting go of my waist to unlock the door. “I happened to walk by Oli and Josh kissing.”

“So wait, Oli’s... not straight, either?”

“Oh, sorry, phrased that wrong, I walked by to see Josh kissing Oli, and didn’t stick around long enough to see Oli kissing back or doing whatever he did after. Though, I guess if Oli reacted badly, that would explain why Josh was so hateful towards you. I mean, I'd be upset if I were rejected by someone as well..." I nod, agreeing with Austin, and we walk into the house, which is covered in darkness besides the light Austin flicked on when we walked in. "I..." Austin starts giggling, covering his mouth, and I can't help the smile that spreads across my face, even not knowing what he's laughing at.

"Uhm... you?" I urge him to continue.

Austin stands up, completely straight-faced, and in a serious tone, asks, "Can we play hide and seek?" I raise my eyebrows, but figure, what the hell, and agree to it. "Thing is, it has to be in the dark. And winner has to..."

"Austin... you do realize, when there's only two of us, there isn't much of a winner, right?" He glares at me, his arms crossed.

"Just let me have my fun, alright? Don't be an asswipe." I laugh at him, him soon following after me, then I start whispering numbers, counting down the time Austin has to hide, not caring what the bet is. Once he realizes what I'm doing, he runs off, and I press my forehead on the wall, making it a 'fair game'. I start walking around the house, in the dark, and I walk in the living room, walking towards the couch.

"Aw, shit!" I exclaim, lifting my foot up and collapsing on the couch. I hear laughter, and I glare in its general direction, even though I know Austin can't see me.

"Aww, did poor baby stub his toe?" Austin mocked from his hiding place.

"Yeah, I did. And it's your fault. So guess who else is gonna be hurt?" I grin, standing up. I walk in the general direction of where his laughter was coming from, but luck out when he’s not behind his dad’s chair or the coffee table. 

“You’re really bad at this game,” Austin called from wherever he was. 

“I can’t see an inch in front of me, of course I suck at this game right now!” I walked around blindly before finally finding him wedged between the TV stand and the floor. “Gotcha.” I said, laying on top of him and leaning against him so he was squished between me and the wall. 

“Ow, ow, what the fuck is that for?!” He sputtered at me through giggles, crawling out of his hiding place.

“Because you laughed at me when I stubbed my toe. It was payback, baby.” He rolled his eyes then pecked me before getting up. “Oh and, what’s the bet again?”

"Loser has to do whatever winner wants for... 12 hours. Tomorrow. Deal?" I thought about the possibilities, for both of us, before replying.

"Sure, deal..."

“Your turn to hide. Make it a good spot too, I like a challenge.” Austin turned to face the wall and covered his eyes, counting loudly. I ran off to find a hiding place, feeling pressured with time against me.

 

***

We were a few rounds in, trying to keep the volume to a minimum, and it was my turn to hide. I decided to hide in one of the few, hopefully, less-obvious places; the closet. I had to squeeze myself in, in a rather awkward position, but I made it work. Austin started searching, then eventually pulled open the doors, to reveal my squished figure pressed against the wall. "Wow, of course you'd hide in the closet, faggot!" Austin jokes, a huge smile on his face. "Found ya." Austin smirks, then rubs his thumb along my cheek, his fingers soft along my jawline before pressing a light kiss to my lips. I smiled before he pulls away, and we stood smiling for a few moments before he took my hand, entwining our fingers, and lead me out of my hiding place. He lead us over to the couch, plopping himself down and tugging at my arm for me to do the same.

"Well, that was a fun game!" He turned to me, his knees pressed against my leg, and smiled. "Doncha think? Even more fun 'cause I won though." I raised my eyebrows at him.

"You think you won? It was me, sorry to disappoint, even though I know you'd love me as a slave."

"A sex slave maybe." He scoffed, and I laughed, shoving his shoulder.

"You don't get either though, 'cause I won."

"Says who?"

"Says me, that's who."

"Nope, I -" I cut Austin off with a finger to his lips, and a chorus of 'sh'. I tried to remain serious, but ended up in a fit of laughter.

"Bitch, I won, get over it and come to bed with me?" He groans, but gets up anyways, and we walk hand-in-hand to his room, where we go about our usual before-bed routines. I walk back into the room after brushing my teeth to find Austin laying on the bed, shirtless, in what I assumed was his attempt at a seductive pose. I laugh at him, laying down beside him and pulling the covers over us once he straightens himself out. I wrap my arm around his chest, snuggling into his back.

"Good night Austin." I whisper into his back, giving him a slight squeeze.

"Good night Alan. I love you."

"Love you too," I can't help but smile. How did I have someone this amazing in my life? He's what's been keeping me alive for almost a full year, something no one else could say. Every time I looked at him, I instantly felt calmer, like everything was going to be okay. No one else has ever had that kind of effect on me.

"Oh yeah, and you're my bitch tomorrow, babe." He adds, a bit of laughter escaping his lips. I don't bother to argue, just close my eyes and drift off to sleep with a small smile still spread across my face.


	12. Chapter 12

[Austin's P.O.V.]

 _Hey austin can i ask you a favour?_ An unknown number texted me. I scrunched my eyebrows at the number, trying to think of anyone I'd given out my number to lately, but no one comes to mind.

 _Uh sure, well depends on who you are?_ I clicked send, then walked the rest of the way down the hallway, to continue watching the movie with Alan. "Hey babe, do you know this number?" I handed him my phone as I sat down beside him on the couch, and wrapped my arm around his shoulder.

"No, sorry. I only really talk to you, so yeah..." He said when he handed the phone back to me. He snuggled into my side and I smile, pulling him closer to me. I felt my phone vibrate again, and looked at the message before tapping out a reply, with a skeptical look on my face.

"Did you find out who it is?" Alan questions.

[Alan's P.O.V.]

"Uh yeah," I raised my eyebrows, urging him on. "It's Josh." I racked through my head, trying to think of a Josh I knew that would be asking Austin for a favour, but couldn't think of anyone. "Franceschi. The British kid who's friends with Oli and all them," Austin offerd, before turning his attention to his phone again to type another reply.

"What's he want?" I asked sharply, memories of the other night flooding my mind.

"I dunno, just said he wants to talk? Told him I'm busy right now because you're more important to me," Austin smiled, and pressed a kiss to my forehead.

"You're damn straight I am, I'm your boyfriend, that's how this thing goes!" I laughed. 

He just rolled his eyes with a giggle.

"You're such an idiot sometimes."

"But I'm YOUR idiot."

"I know, and I'm lucky to have such an awesome idiot all to myself," he said with a dopey grin on his face. We heard his phone buzz again and both glanced at the phone in his lap, then at each other.

"Should I do it?" He asked.

I shrugged. "Go for it. Let's mess with the prick. This'll be fun."

"Okay, we go from total ginger idiot to evil mastermind in about point five seconds! You're so weird!" He was laughing way more now, I could tell he didn't mean anything by the digs he was throwing at me. After being made fun of constantly for years, you develop these important skills.

"If you're done taunting my awesomeness, what's Josh want?"

"He said: 'i know you're probably busy right now but can we talk sometime? there's some......stuff I wanna talk about,' with about like ten dots in between some and stuff."

"You don't think it's about what you saw at the party, do you?"

He shrugged again and hovered his thumbs over his phone for a second. "What should I say? Like if he's gonna have a go at you or me again then I'm not going anywhere near him."

"Ask him then. If he knows you're nervous around him maybe he'll treat you better? Just a theory though, don't hold me to that."

"Worth a shot right?" He said, typing out something then hitting send. I tuck my head into Austin's chest, my eyes drifting shut as his chest moves up and down, the steady sound of his breathing and the quiet background noise of the TV invading my senses. "Mmph," Austin nudges me, startling me. "You were falling asleep on me there," he says, glancing at his phone. "Josh doesn't even want to talk face to face, just wants some advice," Austin shrugs, and I nod, showing him my encouragement for talking to Josh. "Don't fall asleep on me, okay?" Austin wrapped his arm around me and nuzzled his face into my hair, pressing his lips to my head.

"But it's..." I look towards the clock, squinting to make sense of the hands and roman numerals on the old analogue. "It's like, eleven. I think I should -" Austin cut me off, his hand covering my mouth, muffling what I was saying.

"I've decided we're pulling an all-nighter, in honour of our dying summer." I let out a groan, knowing full well there was no way I could talk Austin out of this when he got like this.

"But I'm tired..." I groaned, dragging the 'd' in tired out. Austin released me from his grip, jumping up off the couch to stand and face me.

"You know how we fix that, right?" I raised my eyebrows at him, expecting some stupid answer. "Coffee, of course!" He grinned, heading towards the kitchen before I could reply. I layed down, spreading my legs across the couch waiting for Austin to return. I could hear him messing around in the kitchen, whistling a soft tune, and I couldn't help but smile to myself. I heard his phone vibrate, the sound carrying from the counter it was set on, and I heard him mumbling to himself, no doubt thinking over his reply.

"Here you go," Austin held out a mug to me, whipped cream topping off the mug, and plopped himself down beside me once I sat up. I took a sip of my drink, pleasantly surprised at the taste.

"What is this?" I ask, bringing the mug back up to my lips and ending up with whipped cream on my top lip.

"Minty cafe mocha, is it good?" He replied with a smile on his face, and I nod. "Good, I thought you'd like it! Never made one before so I wasn't sure about it..."

"Well, I think we both know who belongs in the kitchen in this relationship now!" I said with a grin. Austin glared, raising his hand to hit me but stopped himself, glancing at my drink.

"If it weren't for your drink, you'd be dead now!" I grinned, but behind the grin my body flinched away from him a little. My free arm tensed and went to cover my face but I brought it back down, not before he could notice though. His eyes got wide and sad. "Oh my God, I didn't- I'm so sorry."

I shook my head and took another sip. "I-it's fine, I took it more serious than you meant it.... just a knee- jerk reaction or whatever...." I trailed off, not wanting to belay the point any more than it needed to be.

"No, Alan, it's not okay. I'm sorry."

"S'okay, but... please promise you won't?" I pleaded, a look of sadness crossing Austin's face. He pulled me into his arms, taking my drink and setting it gently on the coffee table.

"I promise, I will never," he paused, pressing a kiss to my forehead, "ever, EVER hit you." He put his fingertips below my chin, lifting it slightly so I was looking up at him, then softly pressed his lips to mine before pulling away with a smile. "Ever." He promised, and I smiled at him. "Hey, you alright being left alone for a while? I wanna go to the store, pick up a few things for us?"

***

Once Austin was gone, I took a look at my blades, the few I still had, and felt a pang of guilt for the thoughts running through my head. My hand went down to my leg, looking over where I knew all my scars, well, mostly scars, were. It had been a week or so, and I was slowly getting better at stopping myself, with Austin's help and the therapist they were making me see. The temptation was nagging me, though, and with a deep breath, I pushed the blades away and picked up Austin's acoustic guitar instead.

I plucked at the strings and, dissatisfied with the sound, grabbed the tuner as well. Austin had left me alone in our room, with the 'surprises' he wanted to get. His parents were asleep, but his room was far enough from his parents I didn't have to worry about waking them.

After tuning the guitar, I played a few chords, just enjoying the feel of a guitar in my hands again, with no one to judge my horrible-ness. That was one of the things I enjoyed about being left alone, no one to judge my guitar playing. I started playing one of my favourite songs, humming the lyrics with a smile on my face. I played through another couple songs, before starting a song I had been working on when I was alone for the past little while. I hummed my lyrics along with it, and when I reached the end of what I had written, trying to think of where to go with it, I looked up to see a smiling Austin standing in the doorway, bag-in-hands.

"What did you get us?" I asked, eyeing up the bag. He walked over, setting it on his bed beside me and I leaned over, putting the guitar back in its stand before crossing my legs and facing him. He did the same, putting the bag between us, and my hands dove into the contents, pulling out a years-worth of candy, or what was in my opinion. Austin held up a packet, a malicious grin on his face.

"Remember these, I hope?" He shook the package then tore it open, and I held out my hand, waiting for him to give me some.

"It wasn't that long ago dummy. Plus that's one thing I'd rather not forget." I laughed as he dumped half the PopRocks into my hand, the other half going straight into his mouth.

"I wonder would would happen if you tried to snort these?" Austin asked, his mouth hanging open awkwardly in result of the PopRocks.

"Why don't you find out?" I suggested half heartedly. His nose crinkled, his thumb and forefinger going to clasp his nose.

"I'd rather not," he shivers, his nose crinkling again. "I can imagine the feel of that, ick."

"Then why'd you ask?!" I laughed. He tore into a chocolate bar and shrugged.

"Just wanted to see if you'd try it." Austin giggled while he broke the candy bar in half and gave half to me.

"You really think I'm that stupid?" Austin shrugs, biting into his chocolate bar, before grinning his stupid lopsided grin at me.

"Maybe, maybe not. Worth a shot. Hey, you feeling more awake now? We should play some video games!"

"Yeah sure," I agreed, getting up to turn on Austin's xBox.

"So tomorrow's the last day of summer... we better spend it awesomely," Austin suggested as I handed him the controller. He scrolled through the list of games on his hard drive, and he ended up debating with me (more like himself) over which game we'd play.

"Yeah..." I said, a sigh escaping my lips. I clenched my free hand, my nails digging into my skin thinking of what was bound to come. School brought even more unhappiness to my life. I was not looking forward to it one bit.

***

Austin was typing frantically, an awfully long text compared to average. When he was done, he looked up to me, and I gave him a curious look. "Well, I can tell you why Josh was an ass..." I waved my hand, urging him on. "Fear... and a bit of jealousy, I'd say, since we're open about our feelings. His dad... doesn't approve of his sexual orientation, to put it simply." I could tell Austin wasn't telling me the full story, but I didn't really mind, because he obviously had a reason for keeping it from me. "He's moving out soon... which means he won't have to worry about his dad." I nodded, and Austin smiled at me, cuddling into my side, occasionally freeing his arm to type a reply.

"Josh likes Oli, I'll assume... does Oli like him?" I ask, the thought having stirred in my mind.

"Josh doesn't know... Oli doesn't remember the whole thing with Josh, Josh doesn't wanna bring it up." I nod, not bothering with further questioning, and Austin went back to lounging on my chest.

Austin seemed deep in thought, his phone no longer the centre of his attention, having been tossed off to the side. "Babe? Why do you think we met each other?"

I sighed and tightened the arm looped around his shoulders a little, my hand rubbing his side affectionately. "Personally? I think you were supposed to get me out of where I was. It was... God, or the universe, or something, telling us to help each other get better."

"Remember how terrible I looked then?" I had never thought about it before then, but now I realized Austin was even skinnier when we met than he was now. Naturally he was a skinny kid, long and lanky and all leg, but then? He was almost to the point where he looked like he was going to snap in half at any moment. To hide it, he always wore jeans a couple inches too big and too long and big baggy hoodies that always hung a little lopsided on his wide shoulders.

"Yeah. And no one else picked up on it before you told anyone?"

He stretched and yawned while shaking his head. "Nope. I was surprised you didn't notice." I cocked my head to the side a bit, silently asking my question. "I knew from the moment you sat next to me that you were a self harmer too, and you know I'm terrible at reading people. I figured if I noticed that quickly in someone I barely knew then you'd notice too."

"Hm... now I feel like I should've noticed. Maybe I could've helped you then." I said, trying to hide the guilt from my voice. I didn't even notice, yet he noticed first thing...

He shook his head, the top of his hair tickling my skin. "You didn't have to do anything. You were the one that needed the most help. My purging was easy to handle, your shit? Not so much."

"You're telling me." We sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes, my right hand lightly skating its fingers on his back, the other holding one of his hands. Then, just because, I leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss in the space behind his ear, which made him smile.

"What was that for?" He giggled.

I shrugged. "Because you're cute and I love you."

He craned his head up a bit and kissed me, a grin still plastered to his face. "You're a dork."

"We both are." He then proceeded to roll on top of me and squish me, with a quiet complaint of "I'm tired!" into my shoulder.

I just laughed at him. "You do realize the whole point of us getting ready for bed was so we could sleep, right? Or are you just being dramatic? And it's your fault for making us stay up last night!"

"Just being dramatic," he sighed as he rolled off of me. The blanket on the bed danced around a bit while he wiggled around and got himself comfortable again. We laid there for a little while longer, and i could feel his breathing slow down a bit. "And admit it, you love me for that!"

"'Night Alan..." Austin mumbled into my chest, and I could feel a smile spread across his face. "And thank you again..." I closed my eyes, a smile on my face. I hadn't been happy in a long time, but Austin changed that. Maybe school tomorrow wouldn't be the greatest time, maybe I'd be stuck carrying around a blade again, maybe I'd hate everything about that place, hate every moment I spend in there, but I could at least try to be happy, because I had Austin... I'd try to be happy... if not for me, for Austin. Do it for Austin.


	13. Epilogue

The energy in the car was weird. Alan was tense, looking out the passenger side window, fiddling with the old key he always wore on a long chain around his neck, his childhood house key. From where he was sitting behind the steering wheel, Austin knew the man across from him was trying to make sense of this idea, wanted to go back, but didn’t want to dig up all the memories he’d worked so hard to push down over the years.

“Alan... You don’t have to go back if-”

“Yes I do.” He cut the other off sharply. His shaking fingers dropped the key back against his chest with a light thump and he wiped his palms on his jeans. “Phil was right. I need to do this.”

It was an unspoken commandment that no one talked about what Alan had been through when he was growing up. Years and years had passed before he was even able to mention anytime before his freshman year of high school. The hills and valleys left by carefully done stitches in the skin on his arms, thighs and torso were proof enough of what he'd survived. One scar, on his right arm stood out amongst all the others, a long jagged vertical line, the edges of the tissue eternally stained the lightest color of purple.

The fans looked up to him for not hiding the self harm scars, but everyone in the band knew he HATED what he’d done to himself. They all vividly remember a night on the bus when he was sobbing until he couldn’t breathe in Austin’s lap about what he saw when he looked in the mirror, the rest of the guys and their manager surrounding the couch trying to comfort him. He’d known when it was going on that he would never be able to reclaim what he was before, but he’d done it anyways. It wasn’t everyone who was old enough to understand knowing what the white and red lines represented when they looked at him that he didn’t like. It was that people- no, children- actually looked up to him for what he’d done.

“Are you sure going back isn’t going to hurt you even more?”

The younger thought for a moment. “If I’m going to try and get better, I have to dig this shit up again. Closure or whatever the therapist said.”

A few minutes passed and the couple pulled up in front of a big but not too big house with slightly peeling grey paint and a lopsided porch. Alan just stared at it, not saying anything, his tight- lipped expression not giving anything away. He took a breath, undid his seatbelt and walked up the path, hands shoved in his jacket pockets. The house was empty, the current owners on a week away in Vermont. That was planned, on his part. He needed to do this alone, which was why Austin stayed in the car.

Walking up to the porch, faded as terribly as they were, he could still see three sets of handprints on the stairs, one of them with “Alan Anthony” painted over the tiny royal blue hands in white script by his mother, the other two with “Mommy” and “Daddy.” That was the “project of the day” the Sunday morning they’d moved into this house. His father had held his wrists gently while his mom tickled the big paintbrush over his hands, then guided them onto the steps. “There. Now it’s officially our house.” Ever since then, every time he’d walked up those stairs, he gently tapped his handprints with the tip of his shoe, and today was no different. First step, second, bump, third, and up to the door.

The screen door was falling apart, it looked like it hadn’t been replaced since he’d moved out to leave the house abandoned for five years. There was a note attached to the wooden door behind it: “Please wipe off your feet before coming in. Good luck. We’re rooting for you.” Despite his fear, he smiled a little at the note. The family had only recently moved into this place a few months previous, their two children were 7 and 10. He hoped they were making better memories in this house than he had.

The door opened up to a small kitchen with a round table and worn hardwood floors.. Images flashed through his head, being shoved into the corners made by the cabinets, his head cracking open on the door of the refrigerator one time, the smell of beer hot and heavy in the air. There was still a dent in the dishwasher where his foot had accidentally missed in its sloshed attempt at kicking his son during one of his infamous fits.

When he crept silently down the hallway to the living room, he didn’t dare look at the back left corner of the room. He knew what he would see there, and while he did want to help himself remember some of the things that took place here, he didn’t want to remember that night. He’d been very diligent while he was scrubbing the faded blue paint to get rid of the evidence the next day, but three small spatters about half the size of dimes still remained on the baseboards.

There was a slightly darker square where the wood floors still looked almost new where his mom’s favorite rug had been under the coffee table, and hadn't moved an inch the entire time he spent here. Part of him wished he still had it, still had something of her, but most of their belongings had gotten sold at an auction after everything that happened that summer.

He noticed the fourth stair still groaned under the weight of someone stepping on it, there was still a cigarette burn on the wall next to the top stair, and the cracks Alan had made in the wall when he bashed the headstock of his guitar into it on accident were all still there. He thought it funny that almost nothing on the walls through the whole house had been changed, all the colors of paint were the same. While he walked to the door to his room, he ran his fingers along the thin layer of yellow covering the walls, some of the paint chipping off and onto the floor.

Opening the door to his room, he expected it to be turned into one of the new owners’ bedrooms. Instead, for some reason, it was empty except for a few relics he’d left behind. An old Rolling Stone he’d found at a thrift shop with Pink Floyd on the cover, a Ramones record purchased for fifty cents at a garage sale, and his favorite guitar pick still remained in the room. He moved towards where his bed had been, right under a window and across from his closet. Pulling his knees up to his chest, he rested his chin on them and shut his eyes, picturing what his room looked like furnished. The dresser off to the left, a bookshelf in the back corner, Sophie’s cat bed and food dish near the door, his guitars hung up on the wall so only he could touch them, The Beatles and Slipknot posters on the walls. Towels strategically placed around the room, yet made to look randomly thrown on the floor. Gauze wrapped up in the towels. A travel sewing kit under the mattress, just in case one got too deep. Old bottles of painkillers jammed under clothes in the top drawer of the dresser.

Then he remembered the loose floorboard near his closet that never got fixed because he never told anyone about it. Almost frantically he got on his hands and knees and tapped every board near where he thought it was until he found the one that had a bit of a tinny sound about it. It was still here. After almost ten years, the little tin that held the small pieces of metal that controlled his life was still there. Upon slightly shaking the box, a few objects rattled around inside. He pried the lid off and dumped them into his wavering hand.

They were rusted and dull with age, yet they were still the same ones, taken out of all his pencil sharpeners. These were the regular ones though. The one he used that night after his and Austin's huge fight was on the chain around his neck with the key, taken out of his grandad’s toolbox, industrial grade, dull and stained and kept as a reminder to never sink that low again.

He’d been doing well. There was only one other time he had thought about offing himself again. It was when he and Austin had been on a bit of a break from each other. He could still hear Austin’s voice babbling through tears to him over the phone as he heard commotion on the other end:

“God dammit Alan, wait one minute, I’ll be right over. If you blow yourself to bits I swear to God, you don’t even wanna know, just wait five seconds, please, say something, just so I know you’re okay please, just talk to me.”

The whole reason for returning to the house where he’d been abused and neglected by his father as a child was to pull him out of this deep cloud that was surrounding him everywhere he went. He could tour as many cities as he wanted, shut himself away in his room for days on end as he pleased, but no matter what he did he couldn’t run away from memories. They’d only started to come back recently, right after he and Austin got married about two years ago. Nothing helped. They were bringing him back to that deep, dark place he lived in for so long; he was so close to relapsing and cutting again after seven years without that he could literally feel the cold drag against his skin. Austin had found out, though, when his suitcase accidentally opened when the bus ran over a deep pothole on the highway and saw the supplies inside.

Surprisingly, no one was mad at him for what he was planning. They were extremely supportive of him, offering to take a hiatus for him to get better. But he wasn’t going to do that to the fans. So, he soldiered on for the rest of Warped that year, sliding a little bit some days, not being able to move from his bunk a lot of days, and other days just like his old self.

A light rap at the door jam brought him back to reality. “Alan? Are you okay?” Austin asked when he knelt next to him. His breath caught in his throat when he saw what Alan was holding. “Oh. You found them.”

Alan nodded and dumped them back into the tin. “Yup.” When he looked at Austin, he looked physically hurt.

“Is that why you wanted to come back so bad? So you could...” The whispered question trailed off, but Alan got the point.

“You know that wasn’t why I wanted to come back here. That was something I just remembered a few seconds ago, I completely forgot about the box until today.”

Austin nodded and hugged Alan closely. After a few moments of silence, Austin spoke again. “What..." Austin paused, carefully thinking through his words, as to not upset Alan. "Are you... willing to talk about what happened?”

A look crossed Alan's face, but he nodded and softly said an "I guess so..."

"Hum..." Austin pulled Alan into his arms, his fingers tracing patterns over the ink on his hands and arms absent-mindedly. "Tell me about... well, if you can, tell me about the worst time?" Austin asked hesitantly. Alan felt his breathing go funny, he’d only ever told one other person about that incident, the worst abuse he’d ever taken.

“Well, um... there was... it was when I was thirteen...” he started, pulling out of the hug and sitting back on his heels. “And that day I- I’d gotten into school late...because I’d been hiding from those kids that used to beat me up...and the...the school called my dad. T-they didn’t know it b-but, he’d lost his job that day...and when he came home...h-” His sentence was cut off by a sob and he fell into Austin, gripping his hoodie in his hands. Austin rubbed his back, shushing him gently.

“Shhh, it’s okay. Tell me what happened next.” His voice could barely be heard.

“He was c-clearly m-more drunk than normal...” Alan’s breathing was starting to go back to normal as he continued. “A-and he ripped my shirt off and belted my back until I passed out. When I woke up the next morning, there was blood all over the corner of the living room, so I tried to clean it off the next day but I couldn’t get all of it and I don’t know why they didn’t just paint over it, they just left it there...” He felt another wave of sobs bubble up in him and he latched onto Austin tighter. “They knew their own son’s blood was on their living room wall and they just left it there like some kind of fucking sick trophy!” He sobbed, everything he’d been pushing away about that night coming back again.

Austin didn’t know what to say to the information Alan had just given him. He didn’t realize how much the person that meant the world to him was holding in, truly how broken he was this whole time. “I'm so sorry. I know that probably doesn't help much." Austin muttered quietly into Alan's hair. "I just don't want to see you so broken anymore." A few silent tears slipped down Austin's face.

"I don't want to BE broken anymore. I want the hurting to stop." Alan cried, his sobs shaking his whole body. They stayed like that for a while, Austin sitting against the wall holding Alan until he couldn't cry anymore. "Can we get out of here? I've seen everything I need to."

A few weeks later, the band were back on tour, happy to be back together after a month off. Austin and Alan were in the back lounge of the bus watching Good Will Hunting, tangled in some Bruins blankets, both the movie and the fleece blankets from a gift basket, nicknamed "The Wicked Pissah," that a group of guys at the Boston show had given the band. Not much later after Austin put the movie into the DVD player, Alan was asleep, his head on his husband's chest.

"He out?" Phil asked quietly from the door. Austin nodded and saw Tino and Aaron's faces appear in the bunk hallway behind Phil. "Wanna tell us how the other day went?"

"Oh, yeah," Austin gently got up and rested Alan's head on a pillow, pressed a light kiss to his forehead, then stepped just outside the door into the hall.

"How was he?" Aaron asked. Everyone was speaking in hushed tones so they wouldn't wake him up, and so none of the techs or Adam could hear them.

"Okay, he was really weird in the car on the way there. I wasn't with him for most of the time, but once he was in there for almost an hour and forty five minutes, I went inside." He leaned his back against the bunks, half sitting on one, his legs extended in front of him so he could see the sleeping person on the couch. He kept his eyes trained on Alan, biting his thumbnail a bit. How do you just tell your bandmates something like what he knew?

"And?" Tino pressed quietly.

"I found him in his old bedroom with this..." Austin muttered, reaching behind him into his and Alan's shared bunk to pull out the silver tin. "It's got his old blades in it, he found it in the floorboards of his room. He told me to take it and keep it away from him, but I'm considering asking him if he wants me to get rid of them."

"Did he tell you anything about what happened to him? Like, any stories of it?" Phil whispered.

Austin nodded and stood up to get closer to the other three. "He told me about the worst one, which he clearly hasn't thought about in a while. I guess he was late to school the same day his father lost his job... it was... just... awful, what that monster did to him." When Austin met his band members' eyes, he was blunt and said very quietly to them, "Alan's father belted him till he passed out. The next morning he woke up alone and had to clean the blood off the living room wall. He said there was a little bit that he couldn't get off and his parents just left it, as like, a trophy or something."

This was met with stunned silence from the other three. "You've GOT to be shitting me. No way." Aaron muttered while he rubbed his face.

"The totally fucked up part is that I'm dead serious." Austin sank to the floor and tangled his hands in his hair. The others sat down too, listening to Austin tell them about the breakdown that happened after. "I wish you could've been there to see how broken he was. He's still hurting because of what happened to him. I don't think I've ever seen him cry as much as he did yesterday, not even after his father murdered his mother. He's really been through hell and back a few times to get where he is. I could barely stand listening to it."

The four were silent for a few minutes, processing everything they'd just been given.

Tino broke the silence. "He's one strong kid, then. Talking to him you'd never know."

Austin nodded. "I know I'm a biased opinion, but I've never met someone with more fight in them. When he and I first met, he never once tried to make himself a sob story, and he still doesn't."

After that day the other three members of the band tip-toed around Alan. He’d started to come out of his shell more, but one rule still stood, that no one could ask about what happened.

One night, when the guys were on Asking’s bus, having fun and drinking, no one could find Alan after a couple hours. Austin was missing too, and the other people there figured they just wanted some “quality time,” when in reality what they were doing was far from it.

The two were sat on the floor of the front lounge, Alan parked cross-legged in front of the eight blades that remained in the tin laid out in a perfectly straight line. “I kind of get if you don’t wanna get rid of them...but think about how much happier you’ll be without them.”

Alan heaved a sigh, silent tears running down his face. “I know. You’re usually right. But that’ll be like- like throwing away my past. Even though I don’t want to remember the bad things, these are the last piece I have of my house.”

Silently Austin reached his hand out and held the key in front of Alan. “You’ve got this, don’t you?” Very gingerly he took Alan’s hand and pressed the key into it. "This should be enough."

Alan kept his eyes trained on the razors in front of him, silent, a few small tears rivering their way down his face. Then he picked the razors up and put them.back in the tin. "Bury it." He demanded of Austin in a a quiet whisper. "I look at those and see how much of a fuck up I was when I was young. I dont want to feel like that anymore." Austin nodded and pulled Alan into his arms.

"I love you."

"I love you too. And you’re not a fuck up. I don’t ever want you to think like that again.”

Austin followed what Alan had asked him to do early the next morning, while everyone else was still asleep.

The show that night was amazing, one of the best they'd had in awhile. An incredible shot of Alan that Adam had taken during the show was posted by Austin on Instagram with a caption that read:

"I don't think you know how much you've affected me. Since we were young, you've been there through everything, even when your own life was going downhill fast. You remind me that there's always reason to love yourself, with loads of room to love others. I know when the fans look at you, they see someone like them, with scars others drove them to make, but I see the one night I wasn't there for you, the one you needed me the most. I can swear to you right now I will always be there like I wasn't then. I'm so proud of you for the decision you made last night. Keep moving forward, and I'll keep you safe. I promise. I love you to the edges of the universe and back. ARCA."

A few minutes Alan walked to the lounge of the bus and sat Austin’s lap, hugging him with a muttered, "Austin, you’re such a dork, I love you so much," and a huge smile on his face.

Yep. All was right with the world.


End file.
